Saturday, April 09, 2005
First Post!
Wow. A blog of my own. I don't know why I'm doing this...I've never been a "diary keeper." I used to buy journals all the time and vow to write in them every day...Never happened. I guess life has just gotten so crazy that I've had to do SOMETHING.OK, here's the story. I'm 28. Been married nearly 3 years...Chris is an incredible husband. Truly my soulmate and best friend. We got pregnant with our first child 6 months ago. It was too easy. 3 months after stopping birth control (the patch), we were starting our family. It was going to be so perfect...I was due June 1, right after school got out! I would have the whole summer to be with the baby, then I'd go back to work in the fall. We lost the baby a few days after discovering the child's existence. I know, it was REALLY early, and the miscarriage was not as physically painful as it could have been. But I was crushed. So many hopes and dreams lost. I remember going to the restroom at school and seeing the blood. I panicked. I knew what was happening but didn't want to admit it. Everyone said the basic stupid stuff like, "it just wasn't mean to be" and "at least you know you can get pregnant." I wanted to hit them. I know God has a plan, and He wasn't surprised by this, but I do NOT believe God "let" this happen. I do believe He will use this to make me stronger and better. I hope.
So I started charting on Fertility Friend after the miscarriage because I was so paranoid that I was not ovulating. Well, I did ovulate for a couple of months, but not last month. My body decided to screw me over. My doctor, sweet as she is, has put me on Clomid to MAKE me ovulate. I took the last pill last night. No serious side effects...just some hot flashes and a bit of sleeplessness. Perhaps this will work. I'm too scared to hope. I HATE being disappointed every month, seeing a BFN and then, later, AF. I hate this. I'm hoping this journal will help me vent my frustrations and perhaps help someone else who's struggling to conceive and deliver a healthy baby. I go back and forth between fear, hope, despair, excitement...Its like a freakin' roller coaster. Highs and lows, ups and downs...Don't know how or why Chris puts up with it. I'm just glad he likes adventure.
| posted by Anna at 5:09 PM
