Thursday, September 11, 2008

I've been thinking a lot about life, mommyhood, and this blog. Not only am I am sick of blogger deleting my posts and not letting me post pics, but I'm 99% sure we're not going to have any more children. We have a son, a daughter, and two in heaven. Life is different now, and I think I need a fresh start, I'm moving to wordpress. You can visit me at my new home HERE. I hope you will all keep in touch!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008
guilt and bad mommy thoughts

I feel horribly guilty.

I feel jealous every time Chris leaves the house to go to work. This is SO not me. I cried like a baby when I had to leave Andrew after 17 MONTHS to go back to work PART-TIME. I only work every other day, but it was SO difficult for me to leave him. Now, here I am with two kids, and the thought of going back to work makes me smile. I secretly can't wait until the 26th, when I go back to teaching.

Sigh. Am I a horrible person? I feel like the worst mommy ever. Its just so HARD! Hannah has reflux and is now on meds, so hopefully the screaming will start to subside, but Andrew is still so jealous and DEAR LORD, THE WHINING! Make it stop! My theory is that he is matching Hannah's "tone" since he sees that her crying gets attention. Makes sense to a two year old, but I am SO not used to it.

Anyway, my 6 week postpartum check is on the 12th and I am going to mention these feelings of anger and anxiety to my doc and see if she thinks its ppd or what. I struggled with ppd after Andrew, so I am extra-cautious this time.

In happier news, Hannah had her 1 month appt yesterday and she is up to 8#4oz and 21 inches long! She's growing like a weed! :) She's smiling and cooing and sleeping from 9pm-5am (then back to sleep until around 8 am after a bottle), so I should be happy and count my blessings.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008
update on us

Blogger is being stupid and will not allow me to post pics. Ugh. I've been so frustrated about this (and so stressed with the shock and adjustment of having TWO little ones now) that I've been signing in, getting mad, and signing out. Today I decided to post. :)

Hannah is growing so fast already! She was up 8 oz from her birthweight at her check-in last Friday. Andrew had only gained 2 oz at his first check-in...She is so alert and active, too! She already rolls side to side! I lay her on her back and she takes off, rolling in either direction! Seriously! Its nuts! Any day now, I expect her to make it all the way over! That will completely freak me out. Andrew was always on the later side of normal when it came to motor skills. I have a feeling this girl is going to keep me on my toes!

Sleeping is something I so desperately desire. She loves to party between 12-2 am which is wearing us out. We try to share the load so we can each get a good block of sleep, but for some reason it seems I can calm her quicker than her daddy, so I usually have to get up and do it. I know these days will pass soon, though, so its all good. :) She is such a snuggler and loves the sling and wrap. So different from Andrew!!

Andrew is doing so much better. We''ve had a few bad days of agression and jealousy...It used to be that, if he saw me holding her, he'd say, "Daddy hold it!" (or Mamaw, or Papaw, or whoever was here...) since he wanted my arms free for him & him alone, but now he's getting to where he wants to hold her bottle and help with diaper changes, etc. Its so stinkin' cute.

I feel tremendous guilt still but know that will pass as they grow to love each other. I cry daily andd worry about the PPD I had with Andrew returning. I plan to to talk to my OB on Monday about this and see what he thinks. (I have to go in for a check-up re: my c-section incision...I still have a few weeks until my 6 weeks postpartum checkup.)

OK, she's fussing now so I gotta go!!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008
She is here!!!

I can't believe it! Friday I spent the whole day pretty much depressed and convinced that she wasn't coming on her own. I actually had very few ctx and was feeling hopeless. Chris and I decided to watch Troy (mmm, Brad Pitt!) after Andrew went to bed, so we were up LATE. The movie ended @ 11 pm and I went upstairs to go to bed. I read for awhile, and as I turned out the light (@ midnight), the first ctx came. I thought, "here we go again" with the false labor. I figured I would take a bath and that would make it stop. It didn't. I called for Chris and had him start timing them. The ctx's were coming every 3-5 minutes. I tried to rest but @ 1:30 am, I got hit with the hardest ctx yet and grabbed the phone. The OB said to get to the hospital soon, esp. since this was baby #2 for us. We called a friend to stay with Andrew, and we left @ 2 am. Got to the hospital @ 2:45 am and I was already 4 cm and the ctx were coming 3-4 minutes apart. Crazy! She was coming!! And just like when Andrew came, we had had ZERO sleep.

We called family and got everyone on their way (they all live in Alabama or Tennessee, so they had quite a drive to make) while I got settled. I was in pretty bad pain so I got my epidural as soon as I could, which ended up being @ 5 am. I felt good for a long while, but @ 7:30 am my water still hadn't broken and I was 7 cm, so the OB came in and broke my water. For some reason my epi started to wear off right then and it HUUUURRRRTTT. There was meconium in the fluid, so the OB started an amnio infusion to dilute the fluid and flush out the poop. I was terrified that she would breathe it in and something bad would happen, but no. Hannah was still at -1 station and not coming down. I had to sit straight up to see if the ctx and gravity would help her move down. It was NOT fun. Finally, they called for the anesthesiologist to give me more pain relief, and I was able to sleep for @ an hour. At @ 9:30 am I was fully dilated but Hannah was still at a -1 station. Girl was NOT wanting to come out. I started pushing at 12:30 pm (been 10 cm for 3 hrs at this point) and pushed for an hour and a half. She stayed at a -1 station. Finally, @ 2 pm, my OB said it was time to talk about a c-section. I was relieved because I just KNEW she wasn't coming out. We consented and at 2:31 pm, Hannah Jane entered the world squalling and letting her voice be heard! Man, does she have some lungs!

She is healthy and beautiful and we are absolutely in love. Official stats: Born 6/28/08 via c-section. 6 lb 6 oz, 18.5 inches long. My petite princess! Andrew is being a sweet big brother, but doesn't understand what all the fuss is about. I think he thought he was getting a toy and Hannah is kinda boring to him at the moment. :) We'll see. I can't wait to see how their personalities are similar/different and I pray they grow to love each other.

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone! I am so glad she came when she did! This is my due date, and its so good to be HOME with my baby girl! :)

Friday, June 27, 2008
5 days

5 days until my due date and here I am, still preggo! Sorry for the lack of update. I've been so crampy and miserable and trying my best to keep up with Andrew...its been tough. I was very spoiled with him coming two weeks early. I didn't realize how tough the last few weeks of pregnancy could be!
Anyway, my next appt is on July 1 (my due date) and I was told that we will schedule an induction at that appt if I'm still preggo. I'm really hoping to deliver sometime before the weekend is over, but not counting on it. Yesterday I was REALLY miserable and having LOTS of contractions (nothing regular, though), and even lost a little bit of my mucus plug, but here I am. Sigh.
Can you tell I am REALLY ready to meet this little girl??? She's still really active, but I can tell she's moving down, so this can only mean good things. I promise to update as soon as possible if/when she decides to make an appearance!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
still here...

Still pregnant...Uggghhh...So hot, so tired, so anxious to not be pregnant. Yesterday I was 37w6d (making me 38 weeks today!) and I was SO hoping she would come at the same point Andrew decided to come, but oh well. She's a woman. What can I say? She obviously already has a mind of her own. ;)
My in-laws come back from Guatemala tomorrow evening (flying into the ATL airport) and will be staying with us for the night before driving back home to Alabama. It would be awfully convenient if she would come then, so someone would be here to be with, its going to be a full moon, so a girl can hope, right?? Our wedding anniversary is the 22nd and my grandmother's birthday is the 26th, so those days would be good, too! My EDD (July 1) is my stepmom's b-day and July 4 is Chris' b-day, so there's a couple of more options for her...though I would prefer she come earlier rather than later...Chris would sure love a birthday baby, though!!

Anyway, I know I'm just dreaming here. I have no control over this and am wasting my time thinking I do. Last night she was SO active...all I can hope is that she was squirming into position and is ready to come any second now!

Stay tuned...Hopefully it won't be too much longer before I get to share a picture of this little girl!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Full Term!

Holy heatwave, Batman! Its HOT! Maybe its just me, because I'm sitting here at 37w pregnant today (yay!!), but I am so glad I have AC. I could never do Survivor or some other show like that. No way.

So today I had my 37w appt! All is well...Hannah is super-active, has a strong h/b and according to my OB, she is "way, way down there!" I am hoping her being positioned so low means that she will take the hint from her brother and come before I hit 38 weeks! I've been feeling super-crappy (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea - TMI!) and I am just DONE. I can't wait to have her here in my arms, safe and warm (very warm, actually!).

Ugh, here we go again. More BH's and more tummy issues. Gotta run!

Keeping the Faith

This is me, sharing my journey through struggling to conceive, surviving miscarriage, and, finally, receiving the greatest blessing ever...the gift of a healthy, beautiful little boy.

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Location: Smalltown, Georgia, United States

I'm a Christian. My husband is my very best friend. After much turmoil, including two miscarriages, our family is now complete with our handsome son and beautiful daughter!

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