OK, I am officially 3DPO today. 11 more days 'til I can test. I feel very hopeful and optimistic so I'm positively sure I must not be pregnant. The only time I have been pregnant is the one time I was convinved I was NOT pregnant and just KNEW there was no way I could be. Oh, I just don't want to be crushed anymore. If we did conceive this cycle, I would be due on Feb. 12, 2006. A Valentine's baby! :) Also, this would be my pastor's son's 1st birthday, so that's kinda cool. OK, must relax. Deep breaths. The next 11 days will DRAG if I keep on like this.

Oh! I am so excited!! Jill is probably preggo! I am so happy for her...Hoping this pregnancy (if she is indeed pregnant) sticks and is the most boring pregnancy ever. Roxanne is now 11 weeks! Wilson lives! C'mon, girls...bring on the BFP's! :)

In other news, there are only 2 more days of school! WOOHOO!!!! I am so ready for summer. Bring on the sunshine and swimming pools!! I have GOT to get a tan. These white legs are gonna blind somebody...

TMI = Too Much Information

That's what you will find here on this blog. :)

I found out tonight that my pastor has checked out my blog! My first reaction? EEK!! I was so embarrassed! But, you know what? I thought about it, and this is what I have come up with. This is my journal about dealing with my loss and my strong, strong desire to have a baby. Its on the internet because I enjoy being able to honestly share my thoughts and feelings about this struggle. My pastor and my friends are mature enough to handle it, so I will not be embarrassed anymore. If they don't want to read about it, they don't have to. Chris & I are married and desire children, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about. Now, maybe I will stop sharing the most intimate details, but I will not be embarrassed about my desire to be a mother. I will not be embarrassed that its taking me longer than it takes other people. I will not be embarrassed that I had a miscarriage and now I have to take fertility pills to regulate my hormones. I am NOT defective, and most importantly, I am not alone. I have friends who share this struggle with me, I have friends who share the grief of their own losses, but most of all I have my God who loves me and comforts me more than I can say. God is my constant companion through all this. He knows me better than I know myself, so He knows what's good for me and what's not. He will bless us in His perfect time, I know it.

I have been reading lately about Hannah and Rachel in the Bible, who cried out for children after years of barrenness. God honored their desires, and I know He will honor mine. I cling to Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." First and foremost, I delight in God. I delight in His love for me and the BILLIONS of blessings I do have...and I do not hold it against Him that there is one blessing I do not YET have. Even if God chooses not to ever bless us with the gift of a child, He is enough. I can honestly say that, at least for the moment, I am at peace with whatever happens. (That may change tomorrow - or even 10 minutes from now - but for now, that's where I am.)

OK, I am new to the whole Clomid and OPK thing, so the little things get me excited. Last month I didn't get to see a positive OPK, but my doc says I DID ovulate. Anyway, this month, I got my blaring positive OPK! Woohoo! I am so excited. Silly, I know, but it makes me happy. I told Chris we had to BD today and tomorrow if we want our chances to increase....Too bad he has a basketball tournament this weekend and is physically exhausted! He's so sweet though, and is cooperating. Yay! I hope he knows its not always all about O. I am very affectionate ALL MONTH long...I have a much higher sex drive than him...so surely he knows that its about HIM every other time, but for the next couple of days, its about making a baby! I am going to TRY to be very calm and not get all disappointed if it doesn't happen this month. I'm just glad we were proactive for once. :)

In other news...this is the last week of school. HALLELUJAH! I am so ready for a break. 5 days left. It'll probably seem like 5 months.

Oh my goodness. My middle schoolers are driving me NUTS. I have one really good class, but the rest of them need to be sent off to the zoo. Seriously. Why are we even in school? Eight more school days and I'll get a break from them. Wow. Now I definitely know why we HAVE to have a summer break.

What will I do this summer? Well, after school gets out on the 27th, I will head to Nashville for my mom's birthday and my home pastor's retirement party. I'll return on Memorial Day, then head back to school for a week of post-planning. After that, I will have one week of cheerleading pre-camp and then a week of CAMP. Fun, fun. THEN, my summer will begin! I will have four weeks off then Chris and I will head to Toccoa, GA for a Church Planter's "Boot Camp". Its a week-long training for people interested in starting new churches. Chris and I have been praying about this for a LONG time and feel like God is totally in this. So, the next year of our lives will be fun, interesting, HARD, faith-testing, but worth it in the end. The week after that, I head back to school for pre-planning and a whole new school year. It'll go by so quickly...I hope to take advantage of every minute. I think we might travel to our condo in Florida, perhaps take a trip out to TX to see some old friends out there. (We lived there from 1999-2003.) I'm looking forward to it. And, I'll be looking forward to returning to school, I know. The thought of a brand-new start always gets me happy. I have learned so much this year about what to do and what NOT to do...I know I will be a better teacher next year than I was this year.

Chris has a basketball tournament this week and weekend. I hope he wins. I love seeing him happy & I hate seeing him disappointed. I always just want to make it all better...even silly things like basketball (which is, of course, not silly AT ALL to him but in the grand scheme of things...). Anyway, that's what's goin on here...My temps did drop, and I am officially waiting to O. I hope Chris isn't too tired to BD this week! Hehe...Might have to get "creative" - but that's a good thing. :)

Well, its been a week since I last posted (and an eventful one at that)...I finished my second round of Clomid on Friday night...Still waiting for my temps to drop back down before I start the OPKs. (Clomid makes me have serious hot flashes and my temps are always at post-O levels until a few days after the last dose.) I hope they go down tomorrow - and stay down a few days - so FF can detect it when O happens! I will start the Mucinex again tomorrow. It really helped with the CM last month, so I'm relying on the same outcome this month. Except this month I want that BFP! A Valentine's baby would be so wonderful. :)

Chris doesn't want to know when my peak days are...I have to think up something really creative to seduce him. Any ideas?? I've got some ideas. I just hope it works. I can't help but feel all the hormone treatments are POINTLESS if we don't make love on those precious few days before O. Last month we had a huge fight right before O and only got ONE BD session in before the egg dropped. So, though there was technically a small chance, it was TINY and I figured there would be no BFP for me. I do NOT enjoy putting myself through all this for nothing, so I figure if it doesn't happen this month, I will not do Clomid anymore. I mean, if Chris doesn't want to really TRY to have a baby, then what's the point? I can ovulate all I want, but if I don't have his cooperation what's the point?? It takes an egg AND a sperm. He lives in a fantasy world where every baby is a wonderful surprise and no one has to actually target certain days for BD'ing...Great thought, and I certainly wish that were true for us, but its apparently NOT.

I think the problem is that he is scared. Scared out of his mind. He hates change, and this would be a huge change. He says he'd be thrilled if I were pregnant and he would love to have a baby...he just doesn't want to think about it. I don't understand it. And he doesn't care about how much I want this, how important it is to me...I think if he did care, he'd be keeping the promise he made back in January. (He promised me that if I weren't pregnant by March he'd do whatever he needed to in order to help conceive a child. Guess he assumed I'd be pregnant by then and he wouldn't have to make good on that promise.)

OK, enough ranting.

What else happened this week...Oh, I turned in my portfolio! I've been working on earning my teaching certificate for about 2 years. (I've been teaching on a provisional certificate.) Anyway, it was a LONG two years, and quite stressful, so I'm glad its done. Now I just have to deal with the fear that somehow my portfolio will be denied and I won't be permitted to teach anymore. Geez, I need to learn how to relax. Sometimes I think I make up stuff to stress out about 'cause I just don't know how to relax. I should get final confirmation on my portfolio sometime this month...I hope. If not this month, then by mid-June. I am excited. My certificate will be upgrade two levels, which amounts to about a $12,000 raise. BIG money. So, my portfolio had better be accepted 'cause we'll be struggling financially if its not. (Chris used to be a youth pastor at a local church but was "encouraged" to resign last Sept. over something really STUPID so he's been trying some new things but hasn't had a steady paycheck since then.) We're fine for now, and I know we'll be OK...God has always taken care of us. Why would He stop now? But, still, having my certificate and getting that HUGE raise would definitely help.

God, please, let this all fall into place SOON.

Hehe...I'm supposed to be teaching math right now! Instead, here I am at home in my PJ's. I'm taking a mental health day. I decided I needed a break. I'm going to spend today thinking long and hard about the many wonderful things in my life, not dwelling on the ONE wonderful thing I DON'T have.

Here's my list so far:
1.) one amazing, incredible husband who is truly my best friend and perfect companion
2.) four wonderful pets who bring such total joy into my life (seriously...they are my babies!)
Here's some pics:


3.) a great house and a nice, reliable car
4.) a wonderful job - one I normally LOVE going to every morning
5.) a great principal, great co-workers, great students
6.) a wonderful family and great friends who love me even when I'm being overly sensitive and a little bit CRAZY
7.) plenty of food in the fridge and cupboards
8.) clothes on my back
9.) a nice, soft, warm bed
10.) my health!

OK, if I just keep focusing on these wonderful things, maybe I can make it through this month without going completely nuts. I'm going to take the Clomid (starting tonight), use OPKs, and temp (but only because I want to make sure I ovulate and don't completely screw up my cycles by taking the 100 mg), but that's it. I will not stress about BD timing. I will not harrass Chris and make him feel forced into this. As long as I O at a normal time, I will try to be satisfied with that. I hope this works.

OK, this is some cruel joke, right? I mean, not only do I have to have my period on Mother's day (a day when I should be celebrating 8 months of pregnancy and looking forward to my June 1st due date), but I have to suffer with the cramps from hell!! This is so wrong. I have been trying so hard to have a good attitude, count my blessings, yada-yada-yada...Waking up to serious pain was NOT my plan. Its just a constant reminder that one more month is gone.

We got pregnant so easily the first time...WHY has it taken so long to get pregnant again?! Why have I had to resort to medications? Why is it that any drugged-out teenager on the street can conceive at the drop of a hat, but I have to take meds to make me ovulate? I never had a problem ovulating before the miscarriage! Its so frustrating.

I spent last evening crying on Chris' shoulder about this very thing. It doesn't make sense, and I guess it never will...We just have to trust that, somehow, somewhere, there is a reason. I don't think God causes this to happen. I don't think God makes a woman fertile or infertile...But I think He uses it to strengthen and shape His daughters. If I don't meditate on that and remember that God wants only GOOD things for me (even if I don't understand it to be a good thing at the time), I will probably shrivel up and die. I could so easily become bitter, and (as you see above), I release some of that bitterness sometimes. I have to let it out, or it will eat me up inside. I know this has become just one big rant...Sorry about that. I'm going to go lie down with a heating pad now...

I saw this posted on another blog and thought I would post it here...It says just what I am feeling with Mother's Day approaching...

Reflections of a Mother's Day Denied
by Michelle Parrish, Columbia TCF Chapter, Baltimore, MD:

On this, my first Mother's Day, I asked myself, Do I have the right to celebrate Mother's Day? Have I truly been a mother this past year? The answer is yes.

Each day I have cared for my child as every mother does, except differently. In every way possible I have mothered him. I have mothered him with every tear shed; through the agony of longing to hold him. I have rocked him in my heart if not in my arms. I have kissed his little cheeks in my mind if not with my lips. Smelled his sweetness with my hopes if not my nose. Felt his skin with my memory, if not my hands. Tickled him with my wishes, if not with my fingers.

Am I a mother? I truly am. My physical mothering has been limited to lovingly tending his grave. But I am a mother all the same.

Well, AF finally found me. Here we go again...Lets hope the 100 mg of Clomid doesn't drive me completely insane, but instead helps me get preggo! Onward and upward, right?

On a lighter note, I joined a gym today! :) Its a new little gym that just opened and its only for women. Its a lot like Curves, but not. I did the three-month membership in case I go for a while and slack off...But I really enjoyed it and I think I'll love going. I will probably end up getting the full year membership. I already drink 75 oz. of water every day, so hopefully adding exercise to the mix will help me lose some of this weight I've gained the past few months. (I like to blame it on the hormones from the miscarriage and Clomid...but it probably has a lot to do with the depression I've been feeling.) Anyway, the exercise really helped with my cramps, so its already proven to be a good thing. :)

Wow. Mother's Day is tomorrow. I didn't think I would be so upset about this, but I am. My poor husband doesn't know what to do with me. He prays that I will find healing, that I will not be sad...Yet he is still so sympathetic, saying we can skip church (just to skip all the "mother recognition" that goes on...They never recognize mothers of babies who died in the womb!). He says we can just lie around here, watch something on TV, and just do whatever I want. He would like to go visit his mother in Alabama, but says we can stay home if I'm too upset to travel. He is so sweet. Even though he doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, he still makes the effort to be my rock and shield. I know my baby died VERY early and most people would say it wasn't even a baby yet...but to me it was. To me, life begins at conception, so therefore, my baby had a soul and a purpose. I wanted my baby so badly. I had so many hopes and dreams. I want to be 8 months pregnant right now...instead, here I sit writing about how much I miss my angel. I feel like I AM a mother...I just don't have my baby in my arms or in my womb. I'm not able to hold or nurture my child, but I still love and pray for my baby. I know no one will recognize me as a mother...But I think God does. And I just have to remember that He wants only good things for me...including children.

Wow...Its been over 2 weeks since I posted! Told you I was bad at this journaling thing...Since I last wrote, I went on a retreat with my church to Pigeon Forge, TN (It snowed! How crazy!), my dad & stepmom came to visit, and I went through my whole 2WW. I had a great time with my family (church and biological) so I was able to relax more and not stress so much thinking, "What if I'm pregnant? What if I'm NOT?"

15 more school days left before summer (not that I'm counting...)!!!! I am so excited to have a break. Although I don't really get a break until late June...When school ends, teachers have a week of post-planning, then I have two weeks of cheerleading camp (yes, cheerleading...This is HILARIOUS because NOTHING about me is remotely similar to a cheerleader!)...We have one week of "pre-camp" then a week of camp. BUT...it will be lots of fun, I know. :)

On the baby-making front, I started to spot yesterday, so I expect AF any minute now. Sigh...Oh well. I called my doctor and she wants to up the dosage of the Clomid since I didn't ovulate until day 19 with the 50 mg dose. I'll be taking 100 mg when my next cycle starts...Geez, I'll probably end up with triplets or something! Oh well. As long as they're healthy, I just might be OK with that! (Wait, maybe not...) Seriously. I am so nervous about the side effects, etc. Oh well...Just one more thing to stress about!

About This Blog

This is me, sharing my journey through struggling to conceive, surviving miscarriage, and, finally, receiving the greatest blessing ever...the gift of a healthy, beautiful little boy.

Blogs I Love To Read

• Aurelia Ann
• Bark Like a Dog - Milo (Justin & Lauralu's babe)
• Beyond the Pale
• Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog
• Everything Is Under Control
• Galloping Cats
• House of Miao
• Irvin World (our family blog)
• Kathy McC
• Mad Mommy
• No, I Will Never Be "Over" It
• Sweet Coalminer
• Taking Up My Cross
• The Barefoot Mama
• Three-Girls-O-Rama
• Vegas Mommy
• When Eggs Go Bad

• moving
• guilt and bad mommy thoughts
• update on us
• She is here!!!
• 5 days
• still here...
• Full Term!
• Deep thoughts
• Two years old!
• overdue update

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