Sunday, May 22, 2005
TMI & Deep Thoughts
TMI = Too Much InformationThat's what you will find here on this blog. :)
I found out tonight that my pastor has checked out my blog! My first reaction? EEK!! I was so embarrassed! But, you know what? I thought about it, and this is what I have come up with. This is my journal about dealing with my loss and my strong, strong desire to have a baby. Its on the internet because I enjoy being able to honestly share my thoughts and feelings about this struggle. My pastor and my friends are mature enough to handle it, so I will not be embarrassed anymore. If they don't want to read about it, they don't have to. Chris & I are married and desire children, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about. Now, maybe I will stop sharing the most intimate details, but I will not be embarrassed about my desire to be a mother. I will not be embarrassed that its taking me longer than it takes other people. I will not be embarrassed that I had a miscarriage and now I have to take fertility pills to regulate my hormones. I am NOT defective, and most importantly, I am not alone. I have friends who share this struggle with me, I have friends who share the grief of their own losses, but most of all I have my God who loves me and comforts me more than I can say. God is my constant companion through all this. He knows me better than I know myself, so He knows what's good for me and what's not. He will bless us in His perfect time, I know it.
I have been reading lately about Hannah and Rachel in the Bible, who cried out for children after years of barrenness. God honored their desires, and I know He will honor mine. I cling to Psalm 37:4 which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." First and foremost, I delight in God. I delight in His love for me and the BILLIONS of blessings I do have...and I do not hold it against Him that there is one blessing I do not YET have. Even if God chooses not to ever bless us with the gift of a child, He is enough. I can honestly say that, at least for the moment, I am at peace with whatever happens. (That may change tomorrow - or even 10 minutes from now - but for now, that's where I am.)
| posted by Anna at 9:01 PM
