Thursday, April 21, 2005
Best Friend's Baby
So my best friend had her baby yesterday. I forgot to mention this in my earlier post. She had a little girl...So cute. I was so scared to go to the hospital. I told her I might have a hard time with it...so many emotions. But, I was OK. Surprisingly, not a single tear even threatened to show! I was so glad for her. She was supposed to have a C-section yesterday but went into labor instead. So now she has an 18-month old and a newborn. And I have nothing. I feel so inadequate, so inferior, so...defective. I really want to have a baby. Its almost like I need to prove to myself that I can do this. Please, God, let that be ME in the hospital glowing with pride over my new baby...and let it happen SOON.
| posted by Anna at 4:17 PM
All Better
OK, so Chris and I have talked things out and are all better now. (Big sigh of relief)... I HATE fighting with him. I told him I would probably keep temping this month just to see if I ovulate with the Clomid (nope, not yet!), and he was shocked that I had not already O'ed. When I told him I hadn't, he suggested we go do some BD'ing! Woohoo! SOOO...I guess we're still on the TTC train. Then, this morning, my temp jumped! I hope it continues to rise...could mean I just ovulated! Crazy how excited I get over little stuff like this...Anyway, today was a stressful day at school, but tomorrow I am leaving to go on a ladies' retreat with my church, so it should be all better soon. We're going to Pigeon Forge, TN to stay in a cabin. I am so excited to get away for a while! I really need this break. When I come back, I will be checking on Roxanne, a girl from the FF loss board, who lost her sweet baby at 24 weeks but is now pregnant again. She has her first ultrasound this weekend. Please, God, let her body hold onto this child and carry him/her for another 30 weeks or so, at least! Roxanne, if you read this, I am praying for you!
| posted by Anna at 4:10 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Letting Go
Chris and I had a huge fight. I said some really bad things. I got mad because he isn't really into this whole idea of "trying" to have a baby. He wnts it to "just happen." Well, me too. But I guess my body doesn't work that way. I accused him of not wanting kids and then I accused him of being GLAD that our baby died. OUCH. I guess maybe I can blame it on the Clomid...claim the insanity defense. Anyway, we made up today (after he spent the night in the guest room, of course) and I think we'll be OK. I made him hide the thermometer and all my books. I told him I'd give up the charting and temping and all that, and we'd just see what happens. I might pick it back up in a few months, but for now, I'm taking a break. A much-needed break. Maybe some sanity will return to my life. God, I hope so. I can't let myself get so caught up in this TTC thing that I hurt the one person I love the most in the world. I've got to stop being such a control freak and LET GO.
| posted by Anna at 6:42 PM
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Baby Envy
My best friend J is due to deliver her second child today. It could happen any time now. Any minute, my cell phone could ring and her husband could be on the line telling me she's gone into labor. I don't know how I will handle it when she does go into labor. I want to think I will rush to the hospital and be the good, supportive friend she needs me to be. I hope I can be that person. But the closer she gets to delivering, the more often I think about how unfair this is...I should be 7 1/2 months pregnant right now! I should be getting excited about my own labor and delivery! Our kids were supposed to be best friends and grow up together. But instead, my body couldn't do it...and my baby went to heaven. I know, its not really "my fault." There is nothing to suggest, in any test, that there is anything I could have done to prevent it. There's nothing to suggest anything is wrong with me or Chris. It was a fluke. Yet I still blame myself. And I get so...jealous. Not a bad jealousy, like I want J to lose her baby. I just want it so badly for myself. Why is it so easy for some people??? J got pregnant with her first while on birth control. Then, with this second one (coming just 18 months after having her first!!!), its as if they only had to say it out loud and it happened. Sigh.Why are some people so darned fertile while I'm just NOT?? I'm not saying I'm infertile...I did get pregnant once, so that's something...but if I can't carry it to term I'd rather not even get pregnant. Sometimes there aren't any answers. My friend K has been struggling with infertility for years. She offered to sell me her fertility monitor for cheap. She's given up. God, I hope I don't get to that point. Please, let me have a baby. I'll adopt before I give up.
On a lighter note...Our state testing began today. The kids are so anxious. I didn't make them do too much work this afternoon...Their brains were worn out. We hung out, played games, etc. It was a good day. Now I have to go to a meeting for next years' cheerleaders. (Yes, I am the cheerleading coach. Unless you know me, you have no idea how bizarre that is.) Then I am going to go watch Chris play basketball. Anything to get my mind off TTC for a while.
| posted by Anna at 5:22 PM
Monday, April 11, 2005
Back to normal?
Had my first good night's sleep in a week last night! No night sweats, no hot flashes...Ahhh, back to normal. Yay. And my temp was back down this morning, so that means the estrogen is kicking in and my ovaries should be growing some big, healthy eggs. That's what I'm hoping for, at least. (big sigh of relief) And, oh my...I think I found my cervix today. Whoa. Now I just need to determine the difference between high, low, hard, soft, etc...Wow. The things I'm learning about my body...NEVER thought it would have to come to this. Oh well. So I'm a teacher...I teach middle school resource math. Yep, special education. I love it!!! I teach kids with learning disabilities, emotional/behavior disorders, and other health impairments. They're normal kids...just learn a little differently than others. They've been really wild lately. I guess its the warm weather, the time change, etc. Plus they're middle schoolers and the hormones are raging. I swear, you can SMELL it when you enter the building. Crazy, pre-pubescent teens. Anyway, tomorrow we start our state testing. I hate this. So much pressure. I feel like I'm getting graded by how well or how poorly they do on this one stinkin' test. I keep telling the kids to relax and not let it get them all anxious. They've heard that if they don't pass, they'll be held back. Yeah, that's good for them. No pressure at all. As if they don't struggle enough already...Geez. I just hope we all survive.
Well, I'm off to Bible Study. We're reading a book called Big Girls Don't Whine. Its good. Obviously I have a ways to go before I'm a "big girl."
| posted by Anna at 4:26 PM
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Baby Fever
Is it me, or is it hot in here? Oh, I know...its "baby fever." I have a serious problem. I'm like a starving man dying of hunger. I am starving for my lost child. Sometimes I think the pain will only go away if I get pregnant again. Is that unhealthy? Hmm....If I get pregnant and am fortunate enough to deliver a healthy baby, will I think of the baby as a "replacement" child? Will I forget the one I lost? Dear God, I hope not. No child could replace the one I lost. When people ask if its my first child, I will say NO. I will declare that I had a first child who left us much too soon. If it makes people uncomfortable, who cares. I'm not going to hide my pain or be embarrassed about it anymore. Miscarriage is common...too common. Too many women are suffering in silence and I'm not going to be one of them. Maybe my story will one day be a source of hope for someone. I hope so. Lord knows I gather hope wherever I can find it.
Sigh...Off to bed now, to pray for a child. Are you there, God? Please bless us with a baby.
| posted by Anna at 9:49 PM
Ahh, Clomid
OK, the Clomid is doing weird things. At least, I'm blaming it all on the Clomid. While taking it, it wasn't so bad ( 2 nights of night sweats - CD6 & 7), but now I'm really getting it. I was at church this morning working in the nursery (baby therapy!), and all of a sudden, I am so hot I can't breathe. Sweating like you wouldn't believe. I think to myself, "Is it worth all this?" (sigh) I look at the baby I'm holding, and say to myself, "Yes. A hundred times, yes." Please, God, let me conceive a baby, carry it for 9 months, and bring it home to love. Please, God. Besides the hot flashes, my temps are staying WAY up on my chart! This worries me, of course, because now I wonder if they will drop soon enough so FF is now all confused and can't tell me when I ovulate. And, of course, I still need a computer to tell me if I've ovulated. If I don't see that solid red coverline, I get worried! (sigh)
Wow, if I do end up pregnant, this will be a LONG 9 months. I can already tell I will be worrying about every little thing. My poor husband. He wants to "let go and let God." He wants it to happen when its meant to happen. I am SO the opposite. I want God to bless us in His time, of course, but I want to help Him out as much as I can! I think Chris is starting to feel like nothing more than a sperm donor. Gotta work on that. Can't let him feel like a baby is more important to me than he is. He is my life...that's why I want to give him this gift - the gift of carrying his child! Please, God...let this happen.
| posted by Anna at 3:57 PM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
First Post!
Wow. A blog of my own. I don't know why I'm doing this...I've never been a "diary keeper." I used to buy journals all the time and vow to write in them every day...Never happened. I guess life has just gotten so crazy that I've had to do SOMETHING.OK, here's the story. I'm 28. Been married nearly 3 years...Chris is an incredible husband. Truly my soulmate and best friend. We got pregnant with our first child 6 months ago. It was too easy. 3 months after stopping birth control (the patch), we were starting our family. It was going to be so perfect...I was due June 1, right after school got out! I would have the whole summer to be with the baby, then I'd go back to work in the fall. We lost the baby a few days after discovering the child's existence. I know, it was REALLY early, and the miscarriage was not as physically painful as it could have been. But I was crushed. So many hopes and dreams lost. I remember going to the restroom at school and seeing the blood. I panicked. I knew what was happening but didn't want to admit it. Everyone said the basic stupid stuff like, "it just wasn't mean to be" and "at least you know you can get pregnant." I wanted to hit them. I know God has a plan, and He wasn't surprised by this, but I do NOT believe God "let" this happen. I do believe He will use this to make me stronger and better. I hope.
So I started charting on Fertility Friend after the miscarriage because I was so paranoid that I was not ovulating. Well, I did ovulate for a couple of months, but not last month. My body decided to screw me over. My doctor, sweet as she is, has put me on Clomid to MAKE me ovulate. I took the last pill last night. No serious side effects...just some hot flashes and a bit of sleeplessness. Perhaps this will work. I'm too scared to hope. I HATE being disappointed every month, seeing a BFN and then, later, AF. I hate this. I'm hoping this journal will help me vent my frustrations and perhaps help someone else who's struggling to conceive and deliver a healthy baby. I go back and forth between fear, hope, despair, excitement...Its like a freakin' roller coaster. Highs and lows, ups and downs...Don't know how or why Chris puts up with it. I'm just glad he likes adventure.
| posted by Anna at 5:09 PM
