Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Baby Envy
My best friend J is due to deliver her second child today. It could happen any time now. Any minute, my cell phone could ring and her husband could be on the line telling me she's gone into labor. I don't know how I will handle it when she does go into labor. I want to think I will rush to the hospital and be the good, supportive friend she needs me to be. I hope I can be that person. But the closer she gets to delivering, the more often I think about how unfair this is...I should be 7 1/2 months pregnant right now! I should be getting excited about my own labor and delivery! Our kids were supposed to be best friends and grow up together. But instead, my body couldn't do it...and my baby went to heaven. I know, its not really "my fault." There is nothing to suggest, in any test, that there is anything I could have done to prevent it. There's nothing to suggest anything is wrong with me or Chris. It was a fluke. Yet I still blame myself. And I get so...jealous. Not a bad jealousy, like I want J to lose her baby. I just want it so badly for myself. Why is it so easy for some people??? J got pregnant with her first while on birth control. Then, with this second one (coming just 18 months after having her first!!!), its as if they only had to say it out loud and it happened. Sigh.Why are some people so darned fertile while I'm just NOT?? I'm not saying I'm infertile...I did get pregnant once, so that's something...but if I can't carry it to term I'd rather not even get pregnant. Sometimes there aren't any answers. My friend K has been struggling with infertility for years. She offered to sell me her fertility monitor for cheap. She's given up. God, I hope I don't get to that point. Please, let me have a baby. I'll adopt before I give up.
On a lighter note...Our state testing began today. The kids are so anxious. I didn't make them do too much work this afternoon...Their brains were worn out. We hung out, played games, etc. It was a good day. Now I have to go to a meeting for next years' cheerleaders. (Yes, I am the cheerleading coach. Unless you know me, you have no idea how bizarre that is.) Then I am going to go watch Chris play basketball. Anything to get my mind off TTC for a while.
| posted by Anna at 5:22 PM
