<Keeping the Faith>

Monday, July 31, 2006

I Suck.

I am the suckiest pastor's wife ever. Chris and I just had a HUGE blow-up fight over nothing. Seriously, I don't even know what started it. I think he walked in here when I was checking my email or something crazy. I cussed and screamed at him, and I hate that. Andrew was right here in the room, too. I am a HORRIBLE mom. (See, this is the problem. I do really stupid stuff and then, instead of admitting it, forgiving myself and moving on, I keep beating myself up about it and convince myself that I'm a horrible person and mother, which makes me feel even worse...and the cycle goes on and on and on.) When I finally settled down, we talked and it was good. I told him how I feel like he doesn't respect me as much since I gave birth and quit working. I reminded him that just because a baby came out of my vagina doesn't mean my brain came right along, too. I told him that my perception is that he thinks I am not as intelligent or useful as before, since I'm no longer making money. Again, my perception alone...he's done nothing to make me feel this way; its my own psychotic-ness (is that a word?) just getting the best of me. Yes, we both tend to fight unfairly, and that's a big problem for us.

I wonder if I would be more sane if I went back to work. But I DON'T WANT TO!! We are both totally anti-daycare at this point (not judging anyone...just not something we want to do) and can't afford a nanny, so really, me working part-time is the only option right now. And there's ZERO part-time teaching jobs out there. We looked at the budget and it will be very tight, but we can make it. I just REALLY need to feel like I'm doing something of purpose. Andrew gives my life great purpose and I ADORE every minute with him, but I also need to get out of the house. But I want my home to be clean and orderly, too, and if I'm gone too much nothing will get done and I'll be even crazier. Right now, I wake up, take care of Andrew, clean/sweep/mop when he's napping (although lately - since I've been feeling so insane - I've been napping when he does), care for him when he wakes, and the cycle continues. I need some alone time, but I need some "girl time" too. I desperately need a friend or two.

I really just want to be sane and never, ever cuss at my husband again simply because he walked in the room.

Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I think I should call my doctor.

| posted by Anna at 3:22 PM

2 Comments:

Sweet Coalminer had this to say:: You are not alone. It gets so much easier with a set schedule and some playdates when he gets older.

Being at home and being a mom are both huge adjustments. You're not a bad wife and you're certainly not a bad mom. You're just finding your (new) self. It's a struggle. It's a kind of identity crisis. And I know you'll come out stronger and happier on the other side, but you need to work it out.

Can you take a trip? I know our trip to Greece when Mimi was 5 months was a lifesaver for us.

I can't make a lot of suggestions because I hit the same wall. It does get easier, though, when he sits up on his own, starts crawling and interacting. Trips to the park are so much more fun.

(((hugs)))); 2:58 PM
Anna had this to say:: Thanks, girls...I appreciate it. I really hope I get out of this funk soon. I definitely have to find some kind of Mom's Club and get involved...especially now that Andrew is interacting more and staying awake for longer periods. I love being a mom, but it really has changed me. SC - you're right: its a HUGE adjustment and a MAJOR identity crisis. Thanks for the encouraging words...; 3:25 PM

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