I've been reading Jill's, Eve's and Lola's blogs and find them truly wonderful and inspiring. They have had very recent losses and I feel their pain so vividly. I also read Sara's, Kori's, Holly's, and Julie's blogs quite faithfully, and find them amazing as well. These are women who are trying to conceive after loss(es) and they inspire me with their amazing strength and brutal honesty about the tragedies they've experienced and the struggle they face daily. Roxanne and Kathy are pregnant after experiencing painful loss(es) and reading about the whole new set of fears that comes with a subsequent pregnancy is comforting to me...I feel like I am not quite as alone with my fears. These women, who I wouldn't know if I met them on the street, have become an incredible source of comfort, advice, and inspiration (I know I'm overusing that word, but its so appropriate!) for me.
HOWEVER....
I can't shake this feeling of guilt that I am pregnant while others have recently felt the joy of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped from them (again)...I feel guilty that I am pregnant while so many wonderful, deserving women are still left trying to conceive after their losses. I feel guilty that I have been having many moments of hope since I've passed my miscarriage date, while others are still waiting to pass their late loss dates. I have been keeping up with blogs but I almost feel like any comments from me would be unwelcome and unwanted. I mean, I SO know how they feel. I would cringe when my friends who could reproduce like rabbits would say "it'll happen when its supposed to" and "just trust that God knows what He's doing." Sorry - I refuse to believe that God took my first baby because "it wasn't the right time." I still sometimes cringe when people act like this baby will get here safely just because I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have so many symptoms. Sorry - I've known many women who lost their babies very late in pregnancy.
I hate that my innocence about pregnancy is gone. I wish a BFP=Baby for every woman out there. But I know differently. Ignorance really is bliss. Until my miscarriage, I never knew how common it was. Now that I'm pregnant again, I think all that knowledge is actually harmful to me. In this situation, knowledge is not power...its painful.
Maybe I'm just being all moody and hormonal (and yes, NEEDY), but I feel kind-of alone now that I'm pregnant. I really hope Holly is more than "a little pregnant." And I really hope that my blog-reading and commenting is still welcomed by you all.
| posted by Anna at 3:57 PM
-
Jillian had this to say:
Personally, I have missed you. And I told myself that maybe you need to be away from us because of everything we represent. That is completely understandable.
I guess I speak only for myself, but as long as you are comfortable around me, I am comfortable around you. And your pregnancy is not my pregnancy. Your baby will never be mine and to that end, you are more than welcome to be as happy and positive as you like about that. I don't want what anyone else has, only what I lost, KWIM?
And being that I am a mum(in everyday boring terms) already and you aren't yet, I am so happy to see you getting what I have had for a good few years now. I'm always on the welcoming commitee with the 'club'. Thanks for coming clean ;D-
Roxanne had this to say:
I feel guilty about this too. I think it's hard not to feel this way when I remember how painful it was to know that all my friends were pregnant after I lost the baby. I want to be sensitive. But on the other hand...because I went through so much (I'll be nice on your blog) doo-doo, I feel like I have to enjoy what I can out of this pregnancy. I feel like I deserve it as much as the women who have experienced losses will deserve it during their next pregnancies (or however they choose to start or enlarge their families should they choose to do so).
You know that things don't always work out, so you know that what you've been given is precious and you should be happy and grateful and celebrate that.
I don't know. I think that's really complicated stuff. I know I feel pretty damn weird going to my support group with a big pregnant belly when I know there are women there newly grieving and/or in the midst of trying again.-
lorem ipsum had this to say:
Maybe you should check out my friend Kristin's blog You two seem to have a lot in common. She hasn't lost a pregnancy, but she was believed to be infertile and is now dealing with the 'survivor guilt' and looking for a reason for it all.
Thanks for checking in on me.
*moment of lucidity over*-
Julie had this to say:
Your comments are always welcomed!! Don't feel guilty, you have been through your own personal heartbreak and deserve this just as much as anyone else. It's funny because I always felt like pg friends of mine seemed to distance themselves, because honestly, I am a very real reminder of what can go horribly wrong with no warning. Don't feel guilty for being able to have hope that your baby will live and be fine. You deserve that. And you deserve to enjoy every moment you can. I always welcome your insight and comments. It's nice to have another point of view. ((((((hugs)))))))
-
Anna had this to say:
Thanks, ladies...I'm such a drama queen lately. I appreciate you girls and your honesty. (((hugs)))
Thanks for checking in on me!!
