Friday, September 30, 2005
One Year Ago
One year ago today, I was blissfully 5w6d pregnant. I was teaching school (it was a Thursday) and going about my merry way, when I stopped to use the bathroom before lunch. It was then I noticed the blood. Not gushing blood, but plenty of it...enough to know something was very wrong. I called my doc and my husband and we went to her office ASAP to get checked out. It was the last day of school before Fall Break. My doctor was not there that day, so I had to see the midwife who was very cold and blunt and harshly told us something to the effect of, "These things happen. Its no big deal." Chris wanted to punch her out. They took blood and sent us on our way. We went home stunned and speechless. Our innocence was officially gone.The next day (Friday - Oct. 1) was a teacher planning day, much like today was. (The principal had called me at home Thurs. night to tell me not to worry about coming in the next day.) I skipped the work day and went back to the doctor, only to find out that I was officially not pregnant anymore. I had miscarried naturally without even as much blood as a normal period. I only bled these two days and my baby was gone just like that. I spent the day last year curled up in a ball crying my eyes out. Chris didn't know what to do...I didn't know what to do...Nothing anyone said could make it better. They still can't.
Even though I'm pregnant again and seem to be OK this time, nothing can replace that baby that we lost. Nothing will make me forget. Every time I hear about another woman's loss I am taken back to that day and all the emotions come rushing back. (Yesterday Chris found out one of his co-workers lost her baby at 12 weeks and was having to have a D&C. He felt the emotions all over again as well.) I'm jaded now...not nearly as innocent or naive as I used to be. But maybe that's a good thing? I don't know.
Has it really been a year?? As I sit here crying, I think about how long ago it seems...and yet still feels like just yesterday. How strange.
| posted by Anna at 12:15 PM
