It hurts so much more this time. Maybe the first time it was so soon, and the grief that followed was more of an "I don't know if I'll ever be able to have kids" kind of fear and grief. And with the first loss, it was too early to even see a sac or anything on the ultrasound screen, so I don't have an image of that baby at all. I bled two days, very lightly, and it was over. This time, though, I have Andrew and when I look at him, I see what I'm going to NOT have with Baby B. This time, I saw my beautiful, perfect baby lying there on the screen so very, very still. It rips my heart out.
Yes, I am blaming myself. Obviously when I conceive on my own, it does NOT work. I need Clomid & progesterone to be able to conceive a healthy baby to carry to term. Andrew is evidence of that. I was no happy about this pregnancy, and while I know its ridiculous to think that my negative attitude at firt is to blame, my heart can't forget. I feel terribly guilty. I feel sorry for Chris, to have married a woman who has to have medical intervention in order to carry his children. Ugh...this just sucks.
OK, I have to go collect myself and get ready to go to the doctor. Andrew has an appt with the orthopedist to check his leg. Hopefully he is all healed up and can take the brace off!
| posted by Anna at 8:15 AM
-
Cat, Galloping had this to say:
anna, i am so sorry for your loss. it is not your fault. my body needs progesterone to sustain a pregnancy, too, and any surprise pregnancies for me would have the same outcome, but it's not my fault. it's just the way it is. i hope you will come to believe that for yourself. and chris is lucky to be married to you, for who you are. hang in there.
-
DD had this to say:
Came over from Catherine's. I'm so sorry to read about your recent loss. I've had three, but nothing can compare to what we each go through, so we just try to understand and support.
-
Sara had this to say:
I also need that progesterone. I had three losses before we figured that out, along with a few other issues I have. So I am making the effort to "chart" my cycle and avoid the big O day right now because I can't really go back on the pill with my MTHFR gene. (clotting issues)
I had one D & C. If it comes to that, Anna, I honestly thought it was relatively simple to recover from, at least physically.
Hugs . . . .-
Catherine had this to say:
Would you blame me? Would you blame anyone else who had a negative thought and lost a baby? I know you wouldn't. Don't hold yourself to an impossible standard. Like Cat said, it's just the way it is. Our bodies are imperfect and we have to deal with that. It sucks, but we deal with it. We mourn, and we deal with it.
-
Jillian had this to say:
Oh Anna, I am so so sorry. I know how it feels to feel so responsible. I have been in your shoes almost exactly and this is a big hit and so shocking right now. It just isn't your fault though. Catherine is right, you wouldn't think the same of anyone else so just mourn your loss without the guilt. That's bad enough on it's own after all.
I hope Andrew's leg has healed well. ((((hugs)))-
Roxanne had this to say:
Anna,
I'm so sorry. :(
Hugs.-
Manda had this to say:
HI Anna;
I was blog hopping from my sister in law's spot and came across you. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts
In April of 2006 I conceived after 9 years 2 surgeries and a lot of heartache, Only to find out in June that this baby was not to be, it was ectopic, and I had to have the D&C, and now my only fallopian tube that worked is blocked worse than the right one that did not work well in the first place. I've been told, you're young you can try again (28), but I didn't want to have to.
I had the negative thoughts about the timing and felt that I was somehow to blame.
It's a horrible, haunting feeling, and I'm sorry that you're going through it.
My prayers are with you-
laura had this to say:
anna, i'm so sorry.
if negative thoughts caused miscarriages, milo wouldn't have made it out of the starting gate. of course, you know it already; it's just hard to wrap your mind around something so painful when you don't know the reason for it.
and, i, too, carried a missed miscarriage embryo around for several weeks - i remember how much it sucked to realize it, but the fact is that the process is just imperfect.
sending you love and peace.
