<Keeping the Faith>

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Am I defective??

Well, I started to spot last night. I was so sad/mad/depressed...The minute I see that blood, my head immediately fills up with lies like, "You're defective" and "Too bad Chris married someone who can never give him a child" and "You'll never be a mother, so just give it up." Its awful!!! I took a long bath and cried my heart out, and Chris was so sweet...But I just can't stop thinking about it! What is WRONG with me??? Why can't I get pregnant?? I told Chris I should get addicted to crack or something and then I'd get pregnant at the drop of a hat! It always seems the worst people can reproduce like rabbits, but people who love and truly desire children have problems. But that's not true, 'cause we have very good friends who are very godly people, and they just have a really easy time getting pregnant. All they have to do is think about it, and BAM - there it is! A perfect pregnancy and perfect baby with no thought at all, whenever they want it. I just don't get it.

I am finally feeling better (physically). I've had a horrible sore throat and cough since last weekend, but that is finally gone. I guess I should go to the gym, since I haven't been in almost two weeks...Maybe that will make me feel better and get my mind off this junk. I need to spend some time in prayer, reading my Bible, etc...I need to remind myself of the TRUTH and shove out all these lies that have made a comfortable little home in my head and my heart.

| posted by Anna at 8:46 AM

4 Comments:

lorem ipsum had this to say:: You are not defective. Honest.

I'm sorry you're having this double whammy - the due date, then this. Just sad for you.

I got AF today and am trying to stay positive, that it's a new start, a new dawn. Hopefully there won't be too many more blinding mornings for you either.; 11:53 PM
Jillian had this to say:: I'm very sorry Anna. It is like a knife twisting in your heart every time AF shows up. I know how that is, over the years it has happened to me countless times.

Let's get through AF and then we can get back to all the hope of a new cycle. You have people thinking of you:); 7:07 AM
Jillian had this to say:: When do you see the doctor again? Will your dosage be increased? Will you get progesterone supplements on top of the clomid?

Sorry for all the questions - the detective part of me is always wanting to solve the ttc mystery.

Also, was you chart always listed as 'psycho' in your links? I didn't notice it before...;); 6:56 PM
Anna had this to say:: Thanks for the sweet thoughts, girls. I appreciate y'all! I am calling my doctor ASAP to see what the plan is...I will certainly let you know. :)
Lorem..Sorry about AF for you, too. :( I hate the witch. Jill, glad to see you're hanging in there! :)
Oh well...onward and upward, as they say!; 7:39 AM

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