I've been thinking a lot over the past couple of days (dangerous, I know), and it seems to me that its totally understandable to turn one's back on God after going through what so many of you have gone through. I mean, think about it. If one believes that God is all-knowing and all-powerful, then one must believe that God knew that one's child was going to die and COULD have stopped it but for some reason, chose not to. One would have to say that God knew the terrorists were going to fly planes into the World Trade Center but did nothing to stop it. But if we believe that God is loving, then this makes absolutely no sense. Why would He allow that? Why would He not stop that? Could it be that there was something worse that was somehow avoided by this thing happening? Who knows? No one will ever know, this side of Heaven, so yeah, I get it. I get why it would be so difficult to worship and pray to a God who did not spare you such pain. Why would you want to spend eternity with such a God?
I sometimes think life would be easier if I were not a Christian. I mean, I have been raped and emotionally abused by several guys through the years, then ONE man comes along and earns my trust. I marry him. When we try to start a family, our baby is taken from us much too soon. It then takes 13 months to conceive again. After losing our child, my husband is forced from his position as a youth minister at our church...this done by people who once claimed to love and support us unconditionally. Ha. We have raged against God, questioned Him and sought some sort of reason for it all...But we have not turned our backs on Him. I can't say why, except I FEEL God with me. I know He has not abandoned me. God knows what it is like to lose a child. He sent His Son to die for us so that we could know Him as we once did, before sin and suffering entered the world. (Yes, I believe in the Garden of Eden, Adam & Eve, and the Fall of Man.) Don't get that either. Why does He care so much about me that He would give His Son for me?
I don't know why God allows such suffering. I refuse to believe its "punishment" for some big sin. I do believe that God is a God of justice and disciplines His children the way my parents always disciplined me, but I don't believe He sits up in the sky throwing pain at us just for fun or to keep us in line. I read the Book of Job in the Old Testament and am confused. Sometimes it brings me peace...sometimes it only brings more questions.
I don't know what the answer is...I don't know why crap happens, but all I know is that if I lost my faith I would truly lose everything. I can't explain where it comes from, but my faith has only grown stronger through all this pain. I trust God even more now than I did a year ago, and I depend on Him more daily than ever, especially now since I am pregnant again and terrified of what could happen. I love God more than ever. Weird, but true.
| posted by Anna at 7:32 PM
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Jillian had this to say:
Your honesty is a beautiful thing and your faith which has been so hard won and tested beyond all reasonable limits, has to be respected.
Christians who preach fire and brimstone and who are uncharitable in general and who cannot be trusted - well I get a feeling that very few of them have ever really been tested the way you have described for yourself.
I have to say I would love to get everyone in a room together to have a lovely loud debate about post as I know it would be respectful but really enlightening.
I wonder about Job too. I wonder why, when we are told in Sunday School that the Old Testament is outranked by the New Testament, we still use the Old testament at all. It has to be to scare people into submission right? Wrong?
Or is the New testament not for that at all? I don't know... that's why I love discussing this stuff!
But Anna, I am truly sorry that you are one of the good people who is kind and faithful and yet you have been so horribly abused. I hope your forever just gets better and better:)-
laura had this to say:
i wish that i still felt god. :(
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Roxanne had this to say:
I think that (obviously) this all comes down to faith. Some people have it and some people don't. For myself, I am very torn. I say I don't believe in god, yet talk to him/her/it on occasion (usually saying PLEASE GOD....). I don't believe that if there is a god that he makes awful things happen to people who don't deserve them. I think bad things just happen.
I did see a bumper sticker the other day that I liked. I think it said something like "Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there."
I think if awful things do happen to us for a reason, it's to make us more sensitive to others' pain (something I am working on).
