Sunday, February 11, 2007
Coming out of my fog
I.hate.birth.control. Seriously. I don't think I had PPD before. I should have just stopped the birth control and not worried about the Celexa. In the two weeks I have been on birth control (post-D&C), I have been told I've become a different person. Mean. And I FEEL mean. I have ZERO libido, which hurts my husband and makes me feel like crap. I even caught myself thinking about taking the entire bottle of pain pills I have leftover from the D&C and never waking up. Hello? Warning signs, anyone? Sheesh. I took out the NuvaRing and I already feel brand-new. I mean, I was depressed after the miscarriage, but this was a whole new level of psycho. Apparently I am not meant to be on birth control. This scares me, because we were only using condoms before and got pregnant by surprise, so who's to say it won't happen again? I'm not ready to face that fear again, so I am REALLY hoping we can avoid pregnancy for a few more months at the very least.In other news, Andrew has decided he will crawl after all. At 11 months old. He has been cruising since 9 months old, but never even attempted to crawl before now. I was SURE he was going to walk first...perhaps never crawl at all! He's been walking around here with his walker toys and holding onto just our fingers for so long now. He figured out, however, that it is much faster to just crawl somewhere, so he has taken off. This is very scary and I am now very grateful for the months of having just a roly-poly child and not a full-fledged, racing down the hallway, chasing mommy around the corner kind of kid. It is SO cute, though. He's still SO tiny and it just looks hilarious seeing him crawling after me or Chris, or most often the dog. :) He is obsessed with Rosie and the cats. Takes off when he sees them. They're in for a surprise one of these days when he actually catches one of them! :)
Baby boy is babbling like crazy, calling me "Anna" instead of "mama." He says "dada" all day long, but no "mama." He'll reach out his arms to me and say "Anna!!" which is adorable, but makes me think maybe Chris should call me "mama" more often so Andrew understands. :) It IS funny, though.
We went to a birthday party yesterday for one of the little girls at our church, and I met a woman probably a few years younger than my mom. She has had five children, only one is alive. She had five preemies way back when and four of them died. Horrible. Apparently she has only half a uterus but they never knew until after her last loss...never cared to find out before then. She never carried a baby past 30 weeks, but by the time her living son was born the technology was there to help him stay alive. We talked about the pain of losing a child and as I listened, I kept thinking, "This never goes away." Even twenty-five years later he grief is so evident. My loss is nothing compared to her loss, but she kept telling me it doesn't matter how long they're with you - they are your babies and you love them. She treated me as if my pain were just as real as hers. We talked about how people try to forget you were pregnant or say stupid things (with good intentions, but still stupid!)...It was sad to know she had been through pregnany loss, but good to talk to someone in person about it.
ANYWAY. I have to go for now, but wanted to update. Hugs to all in blogland...
| posted by Anna at 9:26 AM
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laura had this to say:
i'm sorry the nuvaring was such a nightmare for you, but i'm glad you're feeling better. congrats on the crawling milestone!
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Sweet Coalminer had this to say:
I think it's the progesterone. Yasmin made me a monster.
I'm glad Andrew is doing so well and is so enjoyed. It takes time to work through the sadness.
Someone that goes through all that - so many losses - I can't help but wonder how she went on. Unbearable sadness.-
Maggie had this to say:
Yes, hormones in bc work havoc with the head. Try a good old-fashioned combo of condoms and foam for effective bc. Good luck.
