Monday, July 31, 2006
I Suck.
I am the suckiest pastor's wife ever. Chris and I just had a HUGE blow-up fight over nothing. Seriously, I don't even know what started it. I think he walked in here when I was checking my email or something crazy. I cussed and screamed at him, and I hate that. Andrew was right here in the room, too. I am a HORRIBLE mom. (See, this is the problem. I do really stupid stuff and then, instead of admitting it, forgiving myself and moving on, I keep beating myself up about it and convince myself that I'm a horrible person and mother, which makes me feel even worse...and the cycle goes on and on and on.) When I finally settled down, we talked and it was good. I told him how I feel like he doesn't respect me as much since I gave birth and quit working. I reminded him that just because a baby came out of my vagina doesn't mean my brain came right along, too. I told him that my perception is that he thinks I am not as intelligent or useful as before, since I'm no longer making money. Again, my perception alone...he's done nothing to make me feel this way; its my own psychotic-ness (is that a word?) just getting the best of me. Yes, we both tend to fight unfairly, and that's a big problem for us.I wonder if I would be more sane if I went back to work. But I DON'T WANT TO!! We are both totally anti-daycare at this point (not judging anyone...just not something we want to do) and can't afford a nanny, so really, me working part-time is the only option right now. And there's ZERO part-time teaching jobs out there. We looked at the budget and it will be very tight, but we can make it. I just REALLY need to feel like I'm doing something of purpose. Andrew gives my life great purpose and I ADORE every minute with him, but I also need to get out of the house. But I want my home to be clean and orderly, too, and if I'm gone too much nothing will get done and I'll be even crazier. Right now, I wake up, take care of Andrew, clean/sweep/mop when he's napping (although lately - since I've been feeling so insane - I've been napping when he does), care for him when he wakes, and the cycle continues. I need some alone time, but I need some "girl time" too. I desperately need a friend or two.
I really just want to be sane and never, ever cuss at my husband again simply because he walked in the room.
Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I think I should call my doctor.
| posted by Anna at 3:22 PM
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I'm Such a Nerd.
I'm so excited for Laura that I can't even blog. So anxious, nervous, excited...you name it, I feel it. Maybe its because I have a little boy and can't wait for her to have the same kind of joy? Is it normal to be so excited for someone you've never met? Who knows. All I know is, every time I get near the computer, I check her blog to see if anything has happened, and get so excited knowing that tomorrow, something WILL. Oh, Milo...You've been a long time coming. Can't wait to "meet" you, little one. You're a lucky duck to have the mom and dad you're getting. Be a good boy and don't take too long, ok?
| posted by Anna at 6:11 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
One Year Ago...
One year ago today, we went to see my OB/GYN where we saw a tiny, funny shaped little person with a heartrate of 146 bpm. I can still remember the feeling of pure joy, utter love, excitement, amazement, and fear. I remember begging God for this baby's life and praying for his/her survival.
Several weeks later, we visited for yet another scan, and discovered this little human was a BABY BOY! And what a boy!! Chris was so proud of this "pecker picture" (He threatened to make it the desktop photo on our computer!):
Today, we have what we consider to be the most beautiful, intelligent, talented, hilarious little boy on the face of this planet quietly, sweetly sleeping in a crib upstairs. We are so blessed.
Life is good.
*Note: Two days off the patch and I'm already feeling so much more sane. I feel HAPPY. I even caught myself humming happily today. I had noticed that the one week a month I wasn't on that stupid patch was the only week I felt close to normal...Stupid hormones. Don't worry, though, I still plan on calling my doc and keeping tabs on things.
| posted by Anna at 10:34 PM
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Plan
OK, I'm calling the new doc. I don't have an OBGYN here yet, but I will call the new family doc I have and talk to her about some things. She had a baby boy 10 days before I had Andrew, so maybe she will actually understand and have some ideas. For now, though, I'm going off birth control. I had a long talk with Chris about all this last night and I told how, in just the one week each month that I'm off the Patch, I feel so much more normal and happy. He agreed that he'd seen a huge change in me, so we're going to try relying on condoms and whatever else we can find to see if it helps to no longer have these crazy hormones pumping through my body. Lord knows I have enough hormonal changes...I don't need the artificial ones from birth control. If things don't improve or get worse, then I will definitely talk to the doc about meds.I've been analyzing this and thinking it over a lot the past few days and I wonder if it has to do with me not working. When I'm with Andrew, I feel so happy and purposeful. I have no time for self-pity or self-depracation because he requires so much care. Its not that he's all that makes me happy; its just that I don't have time for being self-centered when he's up. When he goes down for a nap or for bedtime, however, I find myself thinking about how useless I feel. Like I don't contribute to the world. I hate myself and end up being mean to Chris, which is completely unfair. I can't stand being this way. I don't want to work, but I think I seriously need to get out of the house.
Today, the plan is to get in touch with the local Mom's Club and hook up with them if its OK, go to the local Curves and see about getting a membership (I feel SO much better when I work out, and I haven't done any working out since before Andrew...before bedrest!), and do a little grocery shopping ALONE. I'll call up some of my friends and have some "girl talk." Just the thought of all that makes me feel better already.
Anyway, thanks for the concern and advice. I will keep in touch with my doc, I promise.
| posted by Anna at 11:02 AM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Can you get PPD 5 months postpartum?
Andrew is 5 months old tomorrow, but for the last few weeks I have been in such a funk. I find myself either pissed off, exhausted, or depressed ALL THE TIME. I miss myself. Could it be PPD just now kicking in, or is it possibly the birth control? I had thought it was my thyroid, but the meds are working just great and they didn't need to adjust my dosage. Chris mentioned maybe going off birth control and relying on condoms and whatever else we could find for a while to see if that helps. We might try it, but if it doesn't work, I am seriously thinking about calling my new doc to see if this is normal or if I need some prozac or something.Just for the record: I adore Andrew and fall in love with him more and more every minute I'm around him. In fact, I'm only really happy when I'm with him. I could never think of hurting him but I could think of hurting myself. That's what freaks me out about all this.
| posted by Anna at 8:29 PM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Funny How Things Change
Its so funny (weird funny, not haha funny) how I get excited over the most non-exciting things nowadays. For example, I'd been a little worried that Andrew wasn't getting enough naps during the day. He'd sleep for two hours in my arms (sometimes in his car seat if we're away from home) but only 30 minutes if laying in his crib or sitting in his swing/bouncy seat/basically anywhere but in my arms). Today, however, I decided to lay him in his pack-n-play for his nap to see if that little change might help him sleep longer. Lo and behold, he's now been asleep for an hour and a half alone in his room...and not a peep! Not a single tear! Wow. I was able to scrub the bathrooms, sweep the den floor, and get after a couple of stains on our entryway carpet. I even emailed a local school principal to see if anything had come up as far as part-time teaching position. I am so excited to feel productive again!!Chris' mom and stepdad left yesterday after a long weekend visit. My mom and stepdad are coming on on Thursday evening. We were never so popular before Andrew. We love that they come to us now, though, since all of our family lives so far away. (My family is 5 hrs away and Chris' mom lives about 4 hrs away...his dad lives only an hour away but never comes to see us.) We got a huge inflatable pool and put it on our deck and I can't wait for my mom to come and see Andrew play in it. :)
Before Andrew, things like this could NOT have been cause for such joy!
This weekend Andrew started to use consonants in his babbling. Before, it was AHHHHHH or OOOOOOOH or MMMMMM all the time. Now, its BAAAA and MMMMAAAAA and DAAAAH. I love it. And he is so adorable when he grabs his toes (or his paci or my finger...whatever he has in his hand) and tried so hard to get them into his mouth. If you try to help him, forget about it. He fusses at you as if to say, "Look, woman! I can do it myself! Let me be!" He's just as stubborn as me. And I adore him for it.
| posted by Anna at 2:24 PM
Friday, July 14, 2006
Andrew is famous!
My friend Joy is a columnist in our little local paper and wrote this about the night she & her hubby babysat my baby boy...I'm one proud mama! :)*Sorry I couldn't get it on here more clearly...just click on it and magnify it to read it if you'd like!
| posted by Anna at 10:21 PM
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Big Mushy Internet Hugs
Awww...thanks for the supportive comments! Y'all are the best! *smooches*Thanks for the advice and referrals to new message boards and such. You're all right. As long as Andrew is happy, healthy, gaining weight and sleeping well, who cares how long his naps are? He has no problem sleeping when he's tired so he WILL sleep if he needs it. And formula is NOT rat poison, no matter what the "granola heads" (as Kori so eloquently put it) would want me to think. I'm doing what is best for my baby, and that's all that matters.
Feeling much better today. The new doc is WONDERFUL. I am in lurv. She's my age and had a baby boy 10 days before I had Andrew, so we had an instant connection. She's of course a whole lot prettier and skinnier, but I just couldn't hate her. :) She is checking for several things to see what might be up, but definitely thinks its my thyroid or possibly anemia. Chris is going to see her today, since he has been having problems with his hyeatal hernia (sp?).
I just looked over at Andrew and he has scooched all the way around the coffee table. He's been scooching on his back for over a month now, but he's quite the pro these days. He just digs his heels in and pushes backwards. If he ever gets the whole rolling over thing, we're in big trouble. Maybe I should at least think about childproofing? Hmmm...He's also learned to scream/shriek at will. He does it most often to express pleasure and really gets a kick out of hearing himself do it. Man, I love this kid.
| posted by Anna at 8:45 AM
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Mommy Guilt
Blah. Nothing too new going on. Andrew has suddenly stopped taking great naps. Instead of the 1-2 hr naps he used to enjoy, he now sleeps 30 minutes at a time, about 4 times a day. He does, however, sleep through the night...10-12 hrs straight! I guess I should count myself lucky. When I read books like Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, however, I feel like he's not getting enough sleep and I should be more focused on protecting his sleep schedule and making sure he gets the sleep he needs. This leads to mommy guilt, which I have a lot of.For example, I obviously need to stay far away from the mommy side of Fertility Friend. All the crunchy mamas there seem to enjoy belittling or begrudging those of us who, God forbid, formula feed! And oh, the tragedy if you don't co-sleep or wear your baby in a sling 24 hours a day!! I find myself feeling the need to explain WHY I formula feed in every post I make. Like they have to know that for me, it was only a choice between formula or starvation...breastfeeding was NOT an option, since all the nerves to my mammary glands were severed when I had my breast reduction. (But then, I have to deal with the guilt of having that surgery in the first place. I mean, did I not even *think* about my future children and how breastfeeding was so important to their very survival??? How selfish of me to have elective surgery that improved my life and boosted my self-esteem beyond what it had ever been! Bad mommy!) Anyway.
Anyone know of any great mommy chat/message boards besides FF? I will still keep in touch with my FF buddy group from the TTC side since we all went through miscarriages at the same time and have been in touch for almost two years now...But I would like to find some place to ask my silly questions without feeling like I'm being judged.
Hmmm. Well, I'm off to the doctor. I finally made an appt with a new doctor here so I can get my thyroid checked out. I am thinking the constant fatigue, depression, and short term memory loss is related to a wacky thyroid. I hope my meds can be adjusted and I can get out of this funk soon.
| posted by Anna at 8:40 AM
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Where Does the Time Go?
Wow. I can't believe its been over a week since I blogged. We've been COVERED in family since last Friday, though, so I guess that's why. Chris' brother and SIL came in on Friday, left on Sunday. My dad and stepmother came on Sunday and left Tuesday morning. Chris' birthday was the 4th of July (happy 36th, honey!) and yesterday (the 5th), we celebrated the anniversary of the day we met (7 yrs ago). This is probably the second time I've touched the computer since last week. I've been spending lots of time with the ones I love, though, so I can't say I regret it. I'm just sorry I'm such a slacker sometimes. Most of my day is taken up with playing with, feeding, or soothing Andrew. He's still spitting up, but is definitely having good days and bad days. I really believe the baby food is helping him. He LOVES sweet potatoes and prunes (yes, he got VERY constipated so we fed him prunes to help) but he does NOT like green beans. I think its the texture. They're very different. Anyway, because of aforementioned constipation issues, we switched from rice cereal in the bottle to oatmeal cereal in the bottle and its been a very good thing. I can't get away with not thickening a bottle (projectile vomit everywhere!) so we're just sticking with this plan until he grows out of it, whenever that may be.So that's it. That's my life. Baby food, baby vomit, baby poop (or sometimes lack of it)...and some visitors thrown in there occasionally. Pretty boring...but I wouldn't change a thing!
| posted by Anna at 8:58 AM
