Friday, January 19, 2007
Anger and Jealousy and Tears, OH MY!
Last night was bad. I thought I was doing OK, and then...it hit me. We went to our community group (fancy word for small group Bible study) and I cried throughout, of course. The topic of discussion was worshiping God even when things are bad. Yeah, perfect. ANYWAY, I was soooooo glad to get out of there and get home. I love my friends...LOVE them...and they mean so well and they try so hard to do and say the right things. They DO say and do the right things! Its wonderful. But in my insane way, I needed to be alone. When I got home, the anger and jealousy just poured out and poor Chris just didn't know what to do. He wanted to suggest things and "fix it" like most men do, but I just needed to be crazy. I told him how jealous I was of all our friends and family who see a positive pregnancy test and automatically assume they're having a baby in approximately 9 months. Chris and I, however, see a positive HPT and can't escape the questions and fear of "what if?" We'd just started to make plans, discuss names, nursery themes, etc, thinking we were in the clear and everything would be fine when BAM, tragedy hit. Honestly, I don't want anyone to ever suffer like this. I really wouldn't wish this on ANYONE, but dear God...I just get so jealous and ANGRY that I can't ever be blissfully pregnant. I try, but it just doesn't work out. Now, when/if we every get pregnant again and have the nerve to announce it, I imagine people will probably look at us and say "oh. well, congrats...good luck" in that sad, pitying way. I HATE THAT. I hate that I have two babies I'll never meet. I hate that my parents and in-laws have two grandchildren THEY will never meet. I hate that my husband is hurting. I really, really, hate this.
I do have one friend at church who "gets it." She has suffered multiple miscarriages, a stillbirth and an infant loss (her 1 month old daughter died of SIDS). Yeah, she gets it. In fact, compared to her, *I* am the one who doesn't get it. For some reason, though, I can't even get up the nerve to talk to her about this. Part of me wants to ignore it and just hope it'll all go away, and part of me wants to scream so loud that there's no doubt how much pain I'm in. Sigh. Maybe I need some therapy.
| posted by Anna at 3:55 PM
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
D&C recovery
Well, we went ahead with the D&C. There was no bleeding or spotting and no sign of anything to come, so we went ahead and opted for the procedure. I am such a wimp, I think if it were to happen naturally I would have freaked then we would have ended up at the hospital anyway. Better to have it scheduled, I guess. Or something like that. Anyway, I was at the hospital at 7:30 am yesterday and home by 1 pm. The wonderful pain meds they pumped me full of had me sleeping ALL DAY, so now its 1:45 am on Wed. morning and I'm wide awake. Crazy.My mom has been taking excellent care of Andrew, but she has to leave in the morning. I'm really hoping that I feel well enough to be a good mommy to Andrew, but Chris is here so he can help out as much as he can. My MIL has offered to come if we need her, so that's good to know. I haven't yet had to touch my pain meds here at home, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I need to be alert and able to care for Andrew.
Anyway, that's the news for now. I'm barely bleeding, in no physical pain, and hoping to stay that way. The hospital told us that there is a funeral home nearby that offers a free-of-charge cremation for all miscarried or stillborn babies, so we opted for that. I just couldn't bear to think of Baby B becoming "medical waste." I very much believe life begins at conception, so it makes me feel a bit better knowing he/she will be cared for and the ashes sprinkled on the garden of roses there. They have a memorial service for these lost babies in April. We'll be invited, of course.
Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers. We need them!
| posted by Anna at 1:41 AM
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Nothing Much
Thanks again, girls. Catherine, you are so right. I would NEVER blame any of you for your losses, so why should I blame myself? I feel guilty, but I know in my head and heart that it wasn't anything I did. I think I just have to have carefully planned babies, supported by Clomid and progesterone. That's all. No more surprise babies.Anyway, nothing much going on here...Still no cramping, bleeding, etc. Still walking around with a dead baby inside me. My friends and family have done really well, actually, keeping it simple with lots of "I'm sorrys" and "We love yous"...My MIL is the only one whose mouth needs to stay shut. The first thing she said was, "Well, I'm praying for a miracle! We're gonna pray that this baby's heart starts beating again." Ummmm....yeah. You do that. I mean, hey...If God wants to give us a miracle we'll take it, but I'm not counting on it. I just dont' want anybody feeding me any false hope. I'm in the "pit of despair" here (to borrow a term from my favorite movie, The Princess Bride) and just need people to listen. But only when I want to talk about it. Sometimes I want to ignore it and NOT talk about it, so I want them to ignore it with me. Yes, I'm crazy.
Oh! Guess what! I went to playgroup today and didn't lose it. I was so proud. A few of the other moms mentioned it and gave me big hugs but I didn't completely lose it. I cried a little when the first person (who's 19 weeks pregnant) gave me a hug, but that was it. I was very proud of myself. I think getting out of the house did me a lot of good.
Andrew's leg is all healed and he's rarin' to go. I don't think it'll be long before he's all over the place. He's a wonderful distraction. Andrew is a miracle, and we're so lucky to have him. If he is the only child we ever have, we'll be happy with that. We're going to try one more time. If we have a third loss, we're done. Hopefully we'll have a brother or sister for Andrew, but if not, he is more than enough. He is truly a blessing from God.
OK, Andrew is napping and I should really take advantage of the time to take a nap of my own. Thanks again for all the sweet thoughts, prayers, etc...It means so much more than you know.
| posted by Anna at 11:57 AM
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Overwhelmed
Wow. When I saw 10 comments this morning, I was shocked. I'mused to 1 or 2 but 10? Wow. You girls are awesome. Thank you so much for the support. Still no bleeding or spotting. Wondering how long I'll walk around with a dead baby inside me...Still not quite believing this has happened AGAIN. Sigh.It hurts so much more this time. Maybe the first time it was so soon, and the grief that followed was more of an "I don't know if I'll ever be able to have kids" kind of fear and grief. And with the first loss, it was too early to even see a sac or anything on the ultrasound screen, so I don't have an image of that baby at all. I bled two days, very lightly, and it was over. This time, though, I have Andrew and when I look at him, I see what I'm going to NOT have with Baby B. This time, I saw my beautiful, perfect baby lying there on the screen so very, very still. It rips my heart out.
Yes, I am blaming myself. Obviously when I conceive on my own, it does NOT work. I need Clomid & progesterone to be able to conceive a healthy baby to carry to term. Andrew is evidence of that. I was no happy about this pregnancy, and while I know its ridiculous to think that my negative attitude at firt is to blame, my heart can't forget. I feel terribly guilty. I feel sorry for Chris, to have married a woman who has to have medical intervention in order to carry his children. Ugh...this just sucks.
OK, I have to go collect myself and get ready to go to the doctor. Andrew has an appt with the orthopedist to check his leg. Hopefully he is all healed up and can take the brace off!
| posted by Anna at 8:15 AM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Good night, Baby B
We lost the baby. I went for an ultrasound today due to some very light spotting I had yesterday, and there was a beautiful, perfect little baby there...but no heartbeat. Baby B measured 9 weeks (so he/she must have died right around Christmas...great). Apparently my body just didn't know it...still doesn't apparently, since there's no bleeding or anything going on.I'm in shock and blaming myself. I keep thinking maybe its because I was not that excited about being pregnant, or because I was sad when I thought about Andrew not getting to be the only one. Chris and I are just heartbroken. I go back to the doctor on Monday to see what to do about it all. Maybe I'll miscarry between now and then. If not, I'll have to get a D&C.
God, this sucks.
| posted by Anna at 4:24 PM
Monday, January 01, 2007
Welcome 2007
Wow, a new year! Crazy!2006 was so very good to us...Christmas came in February when Andrew made his surprise appearance on the 24th. Every day since then has been a true gift from God. Then at Thanksgiving, we got another surprise...a BFP and a "Baby B" on the way! We sold our home, moved into a newer, bigger one, started a new church, and I officially became a SAHM. Life was so good.
2007 now begins with me applying for jobs. Sigh. Baby B is a blessing, but having a baby with no maternity insurance is TOUGH. We have no choice but to send me back to work. Fortunately, since the church is so new, Chris has to work from home. For now, he will be watching Andrew during the day and working on his pastoral duties during Andrew's naps and after I arrive home from work. I feel terribly guilty about this, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I just thank God for winter break and spring break, and in June...summer break! And hey...getting out of the house will probably do me a lot of good.
Baby B will be here (please, God) sometime around August 1, so I won't have to return to work until late September...and hopefully only part-time at that point. There's no way Chris will last keeping TWO babies all day.
So, anyway, here's to 2007. Lots of changes coming, all of which should make life very interesting. Here's hoping everyone out there has a safe, happy, and healthy 2007!!!
| posted by Anna at 5:47 PM
