Well, our county was the only county in Georgia affected by Katrina. Aren't we special? We're officially a National Disaster Area. Several tornadoes touched down here due to the high winds, including two that were not-so-far away. Sigh. I am trying to feel bad for the people who lost their homes here, but my thoughts are more with the people of New Orleans and Mobile and the people who TRULY saw the devestation a hurricane can bring. I'm praying for them along with millions of others, I am sure.

TMI coming up. I'm home sick today. Usually I vomit once and am done with it. Today I can't stop! I went to school this morning (no electricity there, which is FUN with the kids there going nuts and me feeling so sick), but had to leave. I was going to be no good there, as I was having to run down the dark hall every few minutes hoping I'd hit the toilet in the dark. Anyway, I got my assistant to agree to watch my classes and I came home. I was able to sleep a little bit, but still feel sick. Hope its not a virus.

I'm off to check other blogs and see how people are doing today...Hope to hear good news!

Well, all school activities (i.e. football/softball/cheerleading practices) this evening have been cancelled and some schools are planning closings for tomorrow (not mine yet, doggone it)...Although we're not in the direct path of Katrina here in GA, we're expecting heavy rains and flooding, as well as tornadoes. I appreciate your prayers or good thoughts for the poor people who ARE getting the brunt of Katrina's fury. This is why I'd be freaked out to live in Florida (or anywhere on the gulf).

As far as the family situation goes, my brother-in-law is very sorry and is trying to make amends with the family, so I'm hoping that healing is on the way. Its gonna be a long process, but I have faith that God can somehow turn this around and work it out for good.

On the pregnancy front, I'm past 12 weeks, which is amazing for me. I'm starting to catch myself thinking of names and planning more and more for this baby to come home in March. That is both good and bad. I like having so much hope, but I'm scared that I'll jinx myself or something. Ridiculous, I know. Anyway...

I'm headed home to take cover and cuddle up with my hubby for the evening and watch the news.

I am so frustrated. Chris' brother (the one in Afghanistan) has done something SO INCREDIBLY STUPID and I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel like I've got all these emotions and feelings all bottled up inside and I'm about to EXPLODE.

I hate this. I need to talk to my mom. I've really been wanting my mom lately. We were supposed to go to Nashville this weekend, but Chris is throwing up (probably stress from this whole situation) so I can't even go see my mom, the one person I want to see more than anyone else right now. Grrrr. I just want to vent and talk to someone who's detached and unbiased and try to get some perspective on this whole horrible thing, but I can't and that just sucks. This blog is usually the one place where I can anonymously pour out my feelings and let it all loose. Now I can't even do that.

I'm gonna go scream now.

Thanks for all the sweet comments, y'all! You know how I was complaining about no nausea last week? Well...its BAACK! Fun, fun. I know I'm crazy, but its a little bit comforting. I've been having all kinds of cramping. I know its normal and its just all the pulling and stretching my uterus is doing, but its WEIRD. Anyway.

I forgot to add the other day that my doc said I could quit taking the Prometrium! Hip-hip-hooray!!!! It was NO fun trying to gag down those big ol' nasty pills. Thank God I was not on the suppositories! I've heard enough to know those are so much worse than the pills. So, things are good. I'm queasy again, falling asleep at 6 pm, and not having to take my horse pills. I'm boring, I know, but sometimes boring is good. :)

P.S. Saturday I will be 12 weeks! Oh my!!

Well, we just got back from the OB appt and dinner (we met some of our best friends for dinner afterwards) and I just had to post! No, I did not cry and wail to get an ultrasound...Insurance companies don't accept "crying" as a medical reason to pay for an "unnecessary" ultrasound, and we just can't afford the extra cost we'd incur...but we did hear the heartbeat!! I swear, that is the most beautiful sound in the world. Dr. H (not my usual Dr. E, but Dr. H - the doc who is the "head doctor" of the practice) said I was right on the cusp of the time when they may or may not be able to hear the heartbeat by doppler, but he did assure me that we could definitely get an ultrasound if we weren't able to locate the heartbeat. Luckily, he found it and he said it sounded "perfect." He wasn't able to get an exact reading, but he said the readings he did get were about 155-160. Sounds good to me! I wish I had a recorder so I could have recorded that amazing little "chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a" sound, but oh well. I am just SO happy to have heard that little heartbeat. I'm definitely in love with this little human. And they found the baby in the exact spot where I've been having lots of stretching pains! Weird!! Anyway...I'm off now, but just had to share the happy report!!

OK, I need to just relax and be happy. I have been so miserably sick this whole time, and this week on FF it says that this (10 weeks) is the time when nausea starts to subside a little, but now that I have not had any nausea for two days I am a little worried. I even left the SeaBands at home yesterday and today, and nothing. Does this mean the baby is dying? Are my HCG levels dropping? What's wrong? Or is everything just fine?
Good grief, I am such a nutcase. I should be HAPPY that the nausea is starting to subside, especially since everything I read says its normal for it to lessen around this time. But I was strangely comforted by the ever-present sick feeling and now that its not here, of course my mind goes places it simply should not. If/when Chris reads about these new fears he will truly think I'm completely nuts. I know I am, though, and I'm OK with that.
I do have some symptoms remaining...My boobs are still sore, though, I'm practically OOZING CM (gross!!), and I'm very tired, so I guess I will have to let those facts comfort me.

Sigh. Thank God I go for my next OB appt on Monday. I plan to shed a few tears and play the sympathy card to get another ultrasound in case one is not already planned.

OK, I can't handle anymore stress. I found out today that a student in my 2nd period class was sent home from school today because she has a staph infection. Ew. I immediately ran to get Lysol to disinfect my room since the girl SAT BY ME all during class and was CONSTANTLY in my face asking questions. Grrr. Oh, and another student has come down with chicken pox. Thank God I had chicken pox when I was a kid...but will exposure to these things hurt the baby?? I am such a wreck. I have GOT to relax. I called my doc to check and see what they thought about my being exposed to these things, but they said its no big deal and I will be fine as long as I don't touch the kid with the staph infection and just wash my hands really well after any contact with her. I have some of that hand sanitizer in my room so I will be using that stuff obsessively until she's all better. Geez, does the worrying NEVER stop?! I know once the baby gets here its just a whole NEW set of worries, but man...Seems like things might be a little better when the baby is here happy and healthy. Is it March yet????

Thanks for checking on me, Jill...I am alive...maybe...I am sooooo tired! I can't sleep! Too uncomfortable. I toss and turn, and of course I get up four to five times a night to pee, which is an issue all in itself, and I'm dearly paying for it this week. Its only Wednesday and I'm flat-out exhausted. Oh well. Enough whining.

School is going well, cheerleading is going well...Baby seems to be OK. My belly popped out yesterday. People at work all of a sudden noticed I was pregnant. That was weird. I was like, "Where did THIS come from?" I mean, I have plenty of "fluff" anyway, but it seems to have redistributed itself. My only guess is that perhaps my uterus is pushing things around in there to make room for itself growing bigger. Who knows. All I know is that my body feels like its been turned inside out and upside down. But I love it. I love this feeling and I hope it doesn't end until this baby comes home with me in March.

Thanks for the supportive comments...You guys are great. I'm feeling better today...Just enough nausea to make me still feel preggo, but not enough to make me super sick (knock on wood!).

I do just have to say that I can't STAND blogger spam!! Grrr...What can I do about that?? I don't allow anonymous comments, but these darn spammers with blog accounts are still able to get on my blog...If anyone knows how to stop that, please advise!

ANYWAY...We are off to Alabama for the weekend. As you might have already read on this blog, my brother-in-law is in the National Guard and has been in Afghanistan since November. He got a few weeks off and instead of coming home (it would have been really hard for him and his small children for him to come home for 2 weeks and then leave again), my sister-in-law went to HIM. They are vacationing in Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and Italy...I hope they have a fabulous time and that he gets to come HOME in November! Anyway, Chris' mom and stepdad have been doing most of the care of the kids (Tucker is 5 y/0 and Avery is 1 y/o), and I'm sure they are worn out. Chris' dad and stepmom are going to be there, but they tend to get tired of that very quickly, so Lindsey asked that Chris and I, along with his other brother and his wife, come in as "backups" in case they just can't take it. So, it should be a fun time. We're excited to see family.

ETA: Wow, it is storming HARD here...the thunder is literally shaking the computer! Looks like we might be SWIMMING to Alabama instead of driving!

Yep, vomit. That's about how my day went today. Yuck yuck yuck. I was up at 2 am, then at 4 am, then at 6 am and threw up each time. Then I gagged again on my toothbrush and threw up some more. Yay. I thought this was getting better! I haven't thrown up in a couple of weeks, and yesterday was a really good day physically...So weird. I stopped at the gas station by my school this morning and got a slush puppy, which helped to settle my stomach. I felt good until after lunch...but maybe that was the school lunch that got to me. Oh well.

My mom said that her morning/afternoon/evening sickness went away at 12 weeks. This is one time I truly hope and pray that I will take after her. (Normally I don't want to be compared to my mom...I mean, I love her and she's wonderful, but...very high maintenance.) Anyway, a little more than 2 weeks and I'll know if 12 weeks is the magic turning point or not.

I just need to keep repeating to myself, "This will all be worth it. This will all be worth it. This will all be worth it. "

_______________________________________________________

OK, different topic now. A girl who used to be part of the buddy group I'm in on the TTC after Loss board on FF had her baby last week. She hasn't been around our buddy group in a LONG time, but we would all check in with her to see how things were going. Anyway, she had a little girl...she thinks. The baby was born with enlarged genitalia that could be either a penis or a clitoris, ovaries and a uterus, 40 XY chromosomes, and 10 X chromosomes "just floating around in her body." She is freaked out. She has no idea if she should raise the baby as a girl or a boy, and honestly feels cheated. Does she call the baby Emily? Does she dress her in little pink dresses and let her sleep in her pink nursery??
She and her husband are having to go to specialists across the country who deal with this kind of thing so they can advise them on what to do about the "sexual assignment." WOW. How crazy is that?!?! I mean, its enough stress just trying to get a healthy baby here...and I know the worrying does not stop once the baby is born, but to go through all this??? To have to put "unknown" as the sex of the baby on the birth certificate? I can't imagine going through what she's going through right now. I feel so bad for her. If you are the praying kind, please send some up for her, her husband, and her baby.

Today was the first day of cheerleading practice. Joy, joy. Two days a week, from now until late November, I get to spend two and a half hours after school in a HOT gym with eleven sweaty, moody, hormonal teenage girls. Forget that I'm just as (if not more) moody and hormonal as they are! Its gonna be a long four months. Seriously, though...I love it, and I love the girls, but being as nauseous as I am all the time, sitting in a HOT gym does NOTHING for me. And today the whole gym smelled like rotten eggs. Yuck. I think something died somewhere in there.

ANYWAY.

9 weeks pregnant...I guess things are going well. No signs of spotting or anything that might remotely signal something being wrong, but I guess we'll know for sure at my next appointment (14 days and counting!). I am really hoping we get another ultrasound and/or get to hear the heartbeat. We SAW the heartbeat at the 1st appointment, but didn't get to hear it. Hearing it would be just too cool. I swear, if we were rich I would SO be renting a doppler right now! But, we just can't afford $30/month. I know the peace of mind is priceless, but being as we are a one-income house right now, we gotta be smart.

I am SO EXCITED for Sara and Holly right now...I just can't stand it! Yay for good news! Now I can change my prayers for those two from those of the TTC variety to the "healthy pregnancy" kind! :) Yay!

I just want to say thanks for putting up with the drama queen I've become this weekend! I've been crying at the drop of a hat today and feeling very needy and emotional...And of course, I started to feel like I should not talk about being preggo when so many of you girls are going through so much pain. But, as usual, you have made me feel better and comforted me, assuring me that you don't resent me or want me to just shut my mouth. Thanks for the comfort. I really needed it today.

OK, anyway...I am off to bed because apparently I cannot stay awake much past 10 anymore. Sigh...

OK, I have to discuss something.

I've been reading Jill's, Eve's and Lola's blogs and find them truly wonderful and inspiring. They have had very recent losses and I feel their pain so vividly. I also read Sara's, Kori's, Holly's, and Julie's blogs quite faithfully, and find them amazing as well. These are women who are trying to conceive after loss(es) and they inspire me with their amazing strength and brutal honesty about the tragedies they've experienced and the struggle they face daily. Roxanne and Kathy are pregnant after experiencing painful loss(es) and reading about the whole new set of fears that comes with a subsequent pregnancy is comforting to me...I feel like I am not quite as alone with my fears. These women, who I wouldn't know if I met them on the street, have become an incredible source of comfort, advice, and inspiration (I know I'm overusing that word, but its so appropriate!) for me.

HOWEVER....

I can't shake this feeling of guilt that I am pregnant while others have recently felt the joy of getting pregnant, only to have it ripped from them (again)...I feel guilty that I am pregnant while so many wonderful, deserving women are still left trying to conceive after their losses. I feel guilty that I have been having many moments of hope since I've passed my miscarriage date, while others are still waiting to pass their late loss dates. I have been keeping up with blogs but I almost feel like any comments from me would be unwelcome and unwanted. I mean, I SO know how they feel. I would cringe when my friends who could reproduce like rabbits would say "it'll happen when its supposed to" and "just trust that God knows what He's doing." Sorry - I refuse to believe that God took my first baby because "it wasn't the right time." I still sometimes cringe when people act like this baby will get here safely just because I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have so many symptoms. Sorry - I've known many women who lost their babies very late in pregnancy.

I hate that my innocence about pregnancy is gone. I wish a BFP=Baby for every woman out there. But I know differently. Ignorance really is bliss. Until my miscarriage, I never knew how common it was. Now that I'm pregnant again, I think all that knowledge is actually harmful to me. In this situation, knowledge is not power...its painful.

Maybe I'm just being all moody and hormonal (and yes, NEEDY), but I feel kind-of alone now that I'm pregnant. I really hope Holly is more than "a little pregnant." And I really hope that my blog-reading and commenting is still welcomed by you all.

OK, I just wrote this whole page about how we went to the grand opening of our town's 1st real theater and how there were kids EVERYWHERE driving us crazy...And then I realized how awful it sounded. So I am editing it.

Yes, some parents let their kids run wild, kick people's chairs, and be extremely noisy at the theater...but if we didn't want to sit in a theater full of kids we should not have picked the movie we did.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be at home. I was hoping for peace & quiet but Chris is yelling at the TV. Something about the Red Sox winning (he's a Yankees fan) and some funny commercial....I'm going to hide in the bedroom.

Well, we have successfully finished two whole days of school. I am so tired I can barely walk by the time I get home. Luckily, my SeaBands have been working! Chris has been getting up and making me eat before I leave (and I HATE eating early in the morning!), and I think that is really helping. I put on the SeaBands before I get out of bed, take them off only to shower, then put them right back on. They've really been helping with nausea at school. Plus, I think staying SO BUSY all day helps me to not think about it so much. Now I'm getting sick only at night, which is better than having to leave class to go get sick.
The kids at school have been asking why I'm wearing these weird wristbands and eating so many little snacks during the day. I had to spill the beans...Couldn't help myself. They are all so very excited, but it makes me nervous because last time I got preggo, I told the kids and lost the baby three days later. I would HATE to have to go back and do that AGAIN. But, things are going really well as far as I can tell, so I'm being positive and optimistic that this one will be OK. I'm trusting that God is in control no matter what, and that's hard for me 'cause I am SUCH a control freak. Sigh. OK, off to lie down on the couch now.

About This Blog

This is me, sharing my journey through struggling to conceive, surviving miscarriage, and, finally, receiving the greatest blessing ever...the gift of a healthy, beautiful little boy.

Blogs I Love To Read

• Aurelia Ann
• Bark Like a Dog - Milo (Justin & Lauralu's babe)
• Beyond the Pale
• Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog
• Everything Is Under Control
• Galloping Cats
• House of Miao
• Irvin World (our family blog)
• Kathy McC
• Mad Mommy
• No, I Will Never Be "Over" It
• Sweet Coalminer
• Taking Up My Cross
• The Barefoot Mama
• Three-Girls-O-Rama
• Vegas Mommy
• When Eggs Go Bad

• moving
• guilt and bad mommy thoughts
• update on us
• She is here!!!
• 5 days
• still here...
• Full Term!
• Deep thoughts
• Two years old!
• overdue update

• April 2005
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• August 2005
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• November 2005
• December 2005
• January 2006
• February 2006
• March 2006
• April 2006
• May 2006
• June 2006
• July 2006
• August 2006
• September 2006
• October 2006
• November 2006
• December 2006
• January 2007
• February 2007
• March 2007
• April 2007
• June 2007
• July 2007
• August 2007
• September 2007
• October 2007
• November 2007
• December 2007
• January 2008
• February 2008
• May 2008
• June 2008
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• September 2008

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