Nothing really going on today...I spent the day at the pool with my pastor's wife, Katie, and her two kids (Abbie - almost 3 y/o, and Baby Ben - 4 months old). I loved it. Katie is soooo sweet. She is miss "fertile Myrtle" so she is totally clueless about how it feels to struggle to conceive, but she TRIES to understand, and to me that means more than anything. Every time we talk, she asks how the Clomid is going, how I'm feeling, when I'll be testing, etc. She prays for me, but best of all she LISTENS when I whine. She never says, "Oh, just relax. It'll happen when its the right time." She just listens and tries her best to comfort me when I'm inconsolable. She is a great friend.
I don't wish this on anyone. I don't WANT my friends to miscarry or to struggle with infertility. All I want is for more people to be like Katie and truly CARE....to listen to me and talk to me about things and show true concern. That's why I have this blog. Sometimes I feel like my "real world" friends just don't care or are tired of hearing it. If anyone here in Blogland is tired of hearing it, they don't have to read. I don't have to actually see them roll their eyes as if they're thinking, "Why doesn't she just get over it?" I guess what I'm trying to say is I truly appreciate my friends like Katie...and especially all my bloggin' buds. Love you guys.

Our sweet little Rosie has FLEAS! She's given them to the kitties! And we can't get rid of them! We've been trying since last week. We've sprayed them, tried medications, bathed them, set off foggers all over the house, vaccuumed all over...and they still live! Yuck! I hate it. We went today to Home Depot and bought some stuff to spray in the yard to hopefully kill them there. (We finally noticed that she'll be flea-free, then go out to potty and come back in with 10 new little friends.) Any ideas on what we are doing wrong? We ordered some Program to give her...Please God, make them go away!! Why is it these little pests can reproduce like crazy but I simply cannot get pregnant a second time?!?! (See? My (in)fertility is always on my mind...)

I am so nauseous. Sigh. I haven't EVER been this nauseous in the 2WW, and I am trying SO HARD not to get my hopes up, but its really difficult. I will be CRUSHED if/when AF shows up this month because we tried SO HARD and really, really really are hoping for a birthday BFP for Chris...but I can't let him see that. OK, I have got to relax. Tomorrow I will go pick up something to cross-stitch or something. After I eat lots of Tums, that is...

I'm 7 DPO today! :) I can't wait to test. FF moved my O date so I was 5 DPO one day, then 3 DPO the next. Whatever. I will be 14 DPO on Chris' birthday (the 4th of July), so I'm hoping to give him a fabulous birthday surprise! Wish me luck! Of course, I didn't temp or anything while traveling, so I have no idea what my temp is doing, so who knows. Of course, I can have a beautiful chart and it mean absolutely NOTHING, so I'm not going to put too much stock in my temps. Sigh...Gotta stay busy so the next few days go by QUICKLY! :)

OK, here's a couple of pictures from the trip:

First, we went to the aquarium and saw the fishies...glad this one was on the other side of the glass!!!

And there were butterflies! They had this awesome butterfly garden, and there were hundreds of butterflies swarming all around. It was so cool.

This is just one of the picturesque views from Rock City.

GORGEOUS.

Home again! Yay! We had a really fun trip but there's just no place like home, getting to soak in my tub and sleep in my bed. :) We are exhausted after all the walking around Rock City and Ruby Falls...We're home for a few days, then off again to Alabama to celebrate Chris's birthday (July 4) with his family. Guess I'd better not put away the suitcases...

I'll be checking on everyone in blogland as soon as we get settled! Hope to see good news all around!

FF says I'm now 5 DPO! WHAT?!?! I am so confused. Wht didn't it pick it up at 3 DPO? Bigger question...why do I need a fat red coverline to tell me I ovulated? Hmmmm...

We're preparing to leave to go to Atlanta to hang out with some friends before we head to Chattanooga for the weekend. I hope to return to very good news from Roxanne (I secretly hope Wilson is a boy and that she actually names him Wilson! I know, I'm weird.) and also from Jill (I just want to come back to hear she's fine and so is the Bean). For those of us in the 2WW, let's all just remember to BREATHE and chill out. :) For those waiting to O, C'MON EGGIE!! I'll be back on Monday and will be checking everyone's blogs to find out the latest! Take care!

Today is our three-year wedding anniversary, so of course, I'm on the computer and Chris is playing Madden Football on his PS2...Ah, married life. :) We really are happy together. I remember the first six months of marriage...We had some rocky times, but after the first six months ended, we were fine! They say the first year is the hardest, but for us it was just the first six months. Ever since, we've been very happy. Of course we bicker now and then, but overall we are each other's best friend and we would pretty much kill for each other. Chris is such a source of strength for me. He makes me laugh, he encourages me, and he defends me...he keeps me sane. :) I simply adore the man. We're not doing anything super-special today since we're taking our road trip tomorrow, but I think we will go to an afternoon movie and go out for a nice dinner somewhere. Doesn't really matter to me, as long as we're together. :)

On the TTC front, my temp went further up today! Woohoo!! I guess I really did O! Yay! I'm so excited. Chris' birthday is July 4th, and I'll be 14DPO. It might still be a little too early to test, but I think I will, just to see if I can perhaps give him a nice birthday surprise! What do y'all think?

I think I might have O'ed...I HOPE I O'ed...My temp went up again this morning...not a huge jump, but still UP. Can I go to bed now and sleep 'til tomorrow morning so I can take my temp again?? Please, God, let it still be UP! (sigh) Jill asked if I had any O pains to let me know it was coming. Unfortunately, being on Clomid, I have nearly constant O pain. I have it from day 3 on, until I O. I think its from the Clomid making them grow big and fat. Unfortunately, it happens about every other day or so, so having O pain is not a good indicator for me about when it might happen. (sigh)

Anyway, I'm SO hoping we caught that eggie. For some reason, this month there was so much PRESSURE to get pregnant. Not sure why. Last month we BD'ed when we saw the +OPK's and it was no big deal. This month, for some reason, there was so much pressure to get it right...It almost made it impossible to BD! We've never had that problem. I told Chris last night that I was taking next month off. I won't temp (well, I will only temp from CD12 on just to make sure I can O without Clomid), I won't use the OPKs, I won't check FF as often. I need to (dare I say it???) RELAX. EEK! The forbidden word! Oh well, I admit it. I DO need to relax. I need to be very distracted and just take a break for one month. We'll take those antibiotics and I'll take the Glucophage, but no Clomid, and no obsessing over my chart for ONE MONTH. Of course, I'm hoping I'll be taking a 9-MONTH break, but if not, then one month will be fine. I just need something else to do. I've got 41 days 'til school starts back...Gotta keep myself busy 'til then.

OK, I totally thought I would O yesterday and today I would see that beautiful temp jump. No such luck. :( Oh well...Chris was feeling really sick last night so we didn't get to BD...Maybe this is God's way of giving us another chance. :) Ha! Gotta be positive, right? I guess I will try to seduce Chris tonight and see if I get that temp rise tomorrow morning. Here's hoping! I am definitely calling my doctor tomorrow if O refuses to show! She had said to call her if no O by day 16, but I'll give it one more day...

Anyway, our official plans for our mini-vacation are to leave Thursday to go to Chattanooga, then leave there on Sunday morning to go to Nashville, where my family will be celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday! We went through a hard time about six months ago where we thought for sure we were going to lose her, so its kind of a big deal to be able to have her with us for this big day. She's my only living grandparent, so she's special to me. Every time I see her, she asks "When are you gonna give me another great-grandbaby?" (sigh) Oh well. Its worth dealing with that horrible question if it means I get to see her one more time.

Well, I thought we might be going to Hawaii for our anniversary...Chris has a friend who recently transferred there with his job (Delta Airlines) and could get us buddy passes for cheap! BUT, he is actually coming home for a visit this week (the only time we could actually go), so looks like we'll have to find something else to do for our anniversary. (sigh)

We're thinking about driving up to Chattanooga for a few days...I grew up in TN but have never been there. We want to see Lookout Mountain and Ruby Falls and all that. It should be a fun trip for a few days. :) I just want to get away and not think about this 2WW. I SO want this to be IT for us, but I want every month to be "the month" and it never is. Trying not to get my hopes up! Anyway, I'm looking forward to enjoying the next few weeks off, no matter where we spend it. :)

Wow, I've been MIA awhile now! This week is cheerleading camp...8am-5pm every day in a hot gym with a bunch of sweaty, moody, hormonal middle school girls. Sounds like fun, huh?? Oh well, today is the last day. Its been fun, but a LOT of hard work and I think some of them are wondering what they've gotten themselves into! Eh, the work is good for 'em.

O is quickly approaching!! Should be here in the next few days...I have started the OPKs and am getting negatives. Last month (also 100 mg Clomid), I got my first "barely ++" OPK on CD 13 and two blatantly ++ OPKs on CD's 14 & 15, with O in CD16. My doc was pleased with this. She had thought that CD19 was too late, but CD16 is much more average. I am hoping for the same CD16 O this month. Man, I REALLY hope this is the month!! I'm watching what I eat, taking my vitamins, drinking lots of water, taking Mucinex to help with CM, planning to use Preseed when I get those ++ OPKs, but most of all I'm trying to relax!! (Yeah right!) Anyway, for those of you who are reading this, THANK YOU for your support. It helps so much to have people check in and offer such kind, helpful comments. I think I might go crazy if I didn't have an outlet for this anxiety/concern/obsession. :)

Well, off to camp! Just one more day, thank God...

OK, here's what Dr. E said. I'm continuing with this cycle as normal. Clomid seems to be working, and she likes the CD16 ovulation, so we're good with that. If I am not preggo at the end of this month, I will stop Clomid and start Glucophage for three months. Also, Chris and I will be taking the doxycycline (antibiotics) to clear up any bacteria (aka ureaplasma or mycoplasma) that might be interfering. The test for these bacteria is way expensive and my insurance does not cover infertility testing, so Dr. E said this would be the best way to deal with the possible problem. The reason for the Glucophage is that my fasting insulin test, while technically in the "normal" range, was on the high side, so she thinks dealing with that issue may help some. Also, she wants me to continue exercising every day, drinking lots of water and considering a low-carb diet (please God, NO!) to lose some weight. I know, I know, I need to lose about 20 lbs...I'm working on it. If I'm not preggo after three months of the glucophage, I will go back on Clomid for three more months.

ANYWAY, that's about it for this doctor's visit. I feel good, like we're definitely doing something and not just sitting back letting something slip by unnoticed. I can't afford major tests, but I can at least do these things.

On the way home, I picked up some OPKs, some Mucinex (to help with CM) and some more prenatal vitamins. I think I'm all set now.

Well, tomorrow is the last day of cheerleading pre-camp. Why must we have a pre-camp, you ask? Well, these little middle school girls are just teeny tiny and we must start building that muscle! We're conditioning/exercising for four hours a day, learning cheers and one dance before we go to camp next week. Wouldn't want to be embarrassed, now would we? (sigh) I am SO not a cheerleader. I was in the marching band in high school. I so do NOT get the cheerleading mentality, but I have to admit I am really enjoying the company of these girls. Being a youth minister's wife, I am around teenagers a lot and have grown to love them. So this cheerleading sponsor/coach job is not as bad as I might make it sound. I am actually getting a kick out of it. :)

Let's see...Oh! I am going to the doctor tomorrow to see about getting tested for ureaplasma and other bacteria that may be preventing pregnancy. Also, since she (Dr. E) originally told me we would try Clomid for three months then move on to other things, I am going to find out what these "other things" might be. This is my third cycle of Clomid and if it fails, I want to be prepared for what might come next. Of course, my insurance does not cover infertility, so our options will be severely limited. But who knows...maybe this will be "it" for us. (Man, I hate getting all psyched up and hopeful and being let down every month.) As far as the Clomid goes, this is day 3 of the meds and no real side effects to speak of...I hope that doesn't mean its not working...I've just been really tired after taking it, and I sleep really well at night. No hot flashes or night sweats (yet), so things are going well! (Knock on wood!) Oh, I did have one BAD mood swing today, but that's it. I hope I can keep it under control and keep DH happy. AF is finally gone so life is good again. :) Gotta go get some OPKs so I can start the obsession all over again...

Called Dr. E today (I love her!)...I'm going to continue with the 100 mg Clomid (taking it today through Friday). I take it at night to help with side effects. I forgot to ask Dr. E about the ureaplasma so I called back. I had to talk to her nurse (nowhere near as good as talking to her), and ended up making an appointment for Thursday to talk to Dr. E about all this and maybe get tested. I feel good. I feel like I'm actually doing something, being proactive...Chris thinks I'm crazy and I'm gonna want to get tested for every disease/bacteria I hear about now. I told him "No, just this one." I guess he thinks too much information can be a dangerous thing. And maybe it can!

Anyway, I go in Thursday at 3:20 pm (EST), and as soon as I know anything, I will pass on the knowledge. It may be nothing...It may be something. Who knows. I just can't stand thinking "what if???" I have to follow this lead for my own (in)sanity and peace of mind. :)

OK, here's my plan. Tomorrow is CD3, so if I am going to continue with the Clomid, I need to start it tomorrow, so I'm calling Dr. E in the morning to see if she wants to increase or decrease the dosage. Last month she doubled the dosage because she thought O'ing on CD19 was too late. This month I O'ed on CD16, but my LP was only 12 days, so I don't know if she'll like that. I think I'm on Clomid for LPD, so she may want to take further measures. Who knows. I just didn't want to pay for the refill until I was sure she would want me to stay on the same dosage amount. Also...I've been reading and hearing more and more about mycoplasma and ureaplasma. Apparently these bacteria can be the cause of unexplained infertility after a miscarriage. I may be freaking out over nothing, but I'm going to see if Dr. E can let me get tested for these things, just to ease my mind about it. Apparently there are no symptoms, and its easily cleared up with antibiotics. I may not have either, but I'd rather know for sure than wonder and stress out over nothing. Oh, and a woman at church told me today that Chris & I should take Vitamin E. She said it raises a man's sperm count and has an overall healing effect, so it would benefit us to try it. So, I guess I might go pick up some Vitamin E tomorrow.

So that's the plan for this month!

Oh, and Jill...I did change my link to my PSYCHO chart. :) It is what it is. I don't deny it. Admitting is the first step to recovery, right? :)

Well, I started to spot last night. I was so sad/mad/depressed...The minute I see that blood, my head immediately fills up with lies like, "You're defective" and "Too bad Chris married someone who can never give him a child" and "You'll never be a mother, so just give it up." Its awful!!! I took a long bath and cried my heart out, and Chris was so sweet...But I just can't stop thinking about it! What is WRONG with me??? Why can't I get pregnant?? I told Chris I should get addicted to crack or something and then I'd get pregnant at the drop of a hat! It always seems the worst people can reproduce like rabbits, but people who love and truly desire children have problems. But that's not true, 'cause we have very good friends who are very godly people, and they just have a really easy time getting pregnant. All they have to do is think about it, and BAM - there it is! A perfect pregnancy and perfect baby with no thought at all, whenever they want it. I just don't get it.

I am finally feeling better (physically). I've had a horrible sore throat and cough since last weekend, but that is finally gone. I guess I should go to the gym, since I haven't been in almost two weeks...Maybe that will make me feel better and get my mind off this junk. I need to spend some time in prayer, reading my Bible, etc...I need to remind myself of the TRUTH and shove out all these lies that have made a comfortable little home in my head and my heart.

Roxanne posted this and I loved it, so I am posting it here. To all the people who "get in my bucket," THANK YOU. I love you.

Who Gets in Your Bucket?
By Doug Manning
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

The best way I know to picture how we receive help from others in grief, is to imagine you are holding a bucket. The size and color doesn't matter. The bucket represents the feelings bottled up inside of you when you are in pain. If you have suffered a loss, hold the bucket and think through how you feel right now. If you are reading this to learn more about helping others, then imagine what would be in your bucket if a loved one had died very recently. What is in your bucket?

Fear. Will I survive? What will happen to me now? Who will care for me? Who will be with me when I need someone near? Most likely your bucket is almost full just from the fear. But there is also:

Pain. It is amazing how much physical pain there is in grief. Your chest hurts, and you can't breathe. Sometimes the pain is so intense your body refuses to even move. There is enough pain to fill the bucket all by itself.

Sorrow. There is devastating sadness; overwhelming sorrow. A gaping hole has been bitten out of your heart and it bleeds inside your very soul. You cry buckets of tears and then cry some more.

Loneliness. There is no lonely like that felt when you are in a room full of people and totally alone at the same time. Loneliness alone can fill any bucket ever made.
I could go on, but that's enough to get the idea across, and hopefully get you started thinking through your own list. What is in your bucket?

Now picture someone like me approaching you and your bucket. I also have a bucket. My bucket is full of explanations. I am armed and ready to explain why your loved one had to die, how they are now better off and how you should feel.

I am also well equipped with new ways to look at your loss. In politics they call that "spin doctoring," but most human beings seem to know this skill by instinct. I have almost a bucketful of comforting words and encouraging sayings. I can also quote vast amounts of scriptures. I seem to favor the ones that tell you not to grieve.

So we face each other armed with full buckets. The problem is, I don't want to get into your bucket. Yours is scary. If I get in there, you might start crying and I may not be able to make you stop. You might ask me something I could not answer. There is too much intimacy in your bucket. I want to stand at a safe distance and pour what is in my bucket into yours. I want the things in my bucket to wash over your pain like some magic salve to take away your pain and dry your tears. I have this vision of my words being like cool water to a dry tongue. Soothing and curing as it flows.

But your bucket is full. There is no room for anything that is in my bucket. Your needs are calling so loudly there is no way you could hear anything I say. Your pain is far too intense to be cooled by any verbal salve, no matter how profound.

The only way I can help you is to get into your bucket, to try to feel your pain, to accept your feelings as they are and make every effort to understand. I cannot really know how you feel. I cannot actually understand your pain or how your mind is working under the stress, but I can stand with you through the journey. I can allow you to feel what you feel and learn to be comfortable doing so. That is called, "Getting into your bucket."

I was speaking on guilt and anger in grief to a conference of grieving parents. I asked the group what they felt guilty about. I will never forget one mother who said, "All the way to the hospital, my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant. He was afraid. I would not turn back, and he died."

I asked her how many times someone had told her that her son would have died anyway. She said, "Hundreds." When I asked her if that had helped her in any way she said, "No."I asked her how many times she had been told that she was acting out of love and doing the right thing, she gave the same two responses. Many times and, no, it did not help."

I asked her how many times she had been told that God had taken her son for some reason, and she gave the same responses- "many" and "no help."

I asked how many times someone had told her that it had been four years since her son's death and that it was time to "Put that behind you and get on with your life." This time she responded with great anger that she had heard that from many wellmeaning people, including family members, and that it not only did not help, it added to her pain and made her angry.

What I was really asking her is, "How many people have tried to pour their buckets into yours?"

I then said, "Would it help if I hugged you and said `that must really hurt'?"She said, "That would help a great deal. That would really help."

Why would that help? Because I was offering to get into her bucket with her and to be in her pain, instead of trying salve over her pain with words and explanations.

If you are in pain, find someone who will get into your bucket. Most of the time these folks are found in grief groups or among friends who have been there. It is not normal procedure. It is hard to swallow our fears and climb into your bucket.

If you are reading this to find ways to help others in grief, then lay aside your explanations and your words of comfort. Forget all of the instructions and directions you think will help and learn to say, "That must really hurt." I think that is the most healing combination of words in the English language. They really mean, "May I feel along with you as you walk through your pain?" "May I get into your bucket?" Healing happens in their buckets.

Well, I survived the day I've been dreading for about 8 months...I kept myself busy and when I did start to get sad, I just prayed and talked to God about the hurt and disappointment. I feel a great sense of peace, and I feel like I will now truly start to heal. Getting past the due date was a big deal to me. I know people probably think I'm crazy for even remembering the day because the loss happened SO early, but it was a really big deal to me, so yeah...I remembered. Anyway, Chris reads my blog and so he was reminded of the importance of the day, and he was really sweet to me all night. We went to see Star Wars with some friends, which was a good distraction. (Loved the movie! Very dark, but I wasn't in an exactly giddy mood, so it was appropriate, I guess.) I was reminded over and over of the good things in my life. Of course, I still would love to be a mom, but even if that never happens, I am truly blessed.

That being said, I am 11 DPO today! :) Chris says he just "has a feeling" that I'm pregnant. I've been teasing him that there's triplets floating around in there. Haha...Man, I hope I'm pregnant. I really want to test tomorrow but am worried that it is too soon and will probably just be negative since my LP is usually about 16 days. I should wait, I know, but those Dollar Tree tests are just sitting in my bathroom cabinet, taunting me. Heck, they're only a dollar...why not? I guess MAYBE, if my temp is still up tomorrow, I MIGHT test. MAYBE. Still thinking on it. (Somebody talk me out of this, please!) OK, I'm officially going crazy here!

Well, today is my due date for my little lost baby. I have to go to school and put on a happy face, but inside I am crying my eyes out. Today, I should be holding (or getting very close to holding) my little one. Instead, here I am, still trying to conceive. I had so hoped I would be pregnant before my due date. Somehow I thought that would help me heal, that getting pregnant again would make me forget and "make it all better." I guess this is God's way of showing me that no baby can replace another, and trying to forget or cover up my loss is fruitless. No baby can replace the one I lost.

Anyway, today I will be in teacher's meetings, trying to listen and act all interested, but I'm actually going to be nursing that hole in my heart and hoping that, once this day is past, I will finally be able to get on with life.

About This Blog

This is me, sharing my journey through struggling to conceive, surviving miscarriage, and, finally, receiving the greatest blessing ever...the gift of a healthy, beautiful little boy.

Blogs I Love To Read

• Aurelia Ann
• Bark Like a Dog - Milo (Justin & Lauralu's babe)
• Beyond the Pale
• Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog
• Everything Is Under Control
• Galloping Cats
• House of Miao
• Irvin World (our family blog)
• Kathy McC
• Mad Mommy
• No, I Will Never Be "Over" It
• Sweet Coalminer
• Taking Up My Cross
• The Barefoot Mama
• Three-Girls-O-Rama
• Vegas Mommy
• When Eggs Go Bad

• moving
• guilt and bad mommy thoughts
• update on us
• She is here!!!
• 5 days
• still here...
• Full Term!
• Deep thoughts
• Two years old!
• overdue update

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