A girl on the March Due Dates board I visit on FF just found out her baby boy died. She was 27 weeks pregnant and they just couldn't find the heartbeat. Crap, crap, crap. I don't even know what to say to her. "I'm sorry" is just too shallow and empty sounding. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose this baby at this point. I can try, but its too painful. I wish God would just clue me in to what the heck is going on and WHY this happens. I hate this.

We are so much fun. Today we slept until about 11 am (I'm on Christmas break and Chris' temporary job ended Dec. 21). I couldn't believe it! I really don't know when I last slept that late without being really sick. Sheesh. How lazy are we? We did, however, pull it together and get out of the house. We called our friends Graham and Mo (short for Maureen) and went to the mall to spend our gift cards! Woohoo! Chris & Graham went to Best Buy, Mo & I went to Babies R Us. My brother and sister-in-law got us a $50 gift card that could be used at Toys R Us or Babies R Us and I couldn't wait to spend it. I got the cutest diaper bag. Its black velvet and had the word "baby" spelled out in rhinestones. Here it is:

I call it my bling-bling baby bag. :) We had registered for a backpack-type diaper bag so Chris could carry it and not feel so "sissy" (his word). I just thought this one was fun, and I can carry it when I'm out alone with Andrew. We also got a really soft blue blanket with a lion on it (I LOVE lions!) and a cute bib that was on sale for $1.98. Altogether it cost about $30 (a really great deal), so I let Chris go to Toys R Us and get some stuff for us. We got Trivial Pursuit (90's version) for $7 and a couple of video games for Chris. We went to the mall because I had to return some things at Old Navy. (I had bought three maternity shirts that I outgrew before I even took the tags off!) I also had a Border's gift card that my principal gave all the teachers at school, so I got two new 2006 calendars (one for home, one for school). I just love after-Christmas sales! Afterwards, we went to IHOP and I got my favorite meal - the club sandwich! Yummm...I was afraid pancakes would be too much for my blood sugar, but I was so glad to see that my blood sugar was only 109 after the sandwich! Yippee! I can actually eat one of my favorite things! (Yes, I know, I'm boring. I just get way too excited about really stupid stuff.) We came home and played Scene It, and now I'm headed to bed. I know, I know...Its so thrilling to be me.

I just saw this story and...wow. I don't know what to say. How incredibly horrible for this mother. Just when I think our country is all screwed up, a story like this comes along and reminds me of how lucky I am to live here.

They're leaving tomorrow! My mom and stepdad have been here since Christmas day and now they're driving us CRAZY! My mom is just such a worrywart (although she vehemently denies it when accused) and drives me and Chris nuts by the time she leaves. I think one or two days is enough, but by the end of the third day, its just time to go home so everyone can get back to life as normal. At least we didn't have to spend most of our holiday this year in the car, trekking across Alabama and Tennessee...This is the first time they've actually come to us, and it was really pretty nice.

ANYWAY. Thanks for the reassurance and advice about the movement thing. You all are SO right. I need to be most concerned about this baby, not what my doctor thinks of me. So, even if its Christmas Day, I should call and let her know when I think something is a little weird. It may be nothing, but I'd rather be seen as a crazy paranoid woman than ignore a potential problem. You just never know when it really is a big deal. So, thanks. Thanks for giving me that "push" and making me realize its not about me - its about Andrew. Fortunately, he's kicking me right at this moment and last night Chris saw him making my belly vibrate, which was cool. So, no worries now, but I promise to call my doc if I ever get that feeling again. :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas or is enjoying their Chanukah season! Sending love and prayers for a peaceful, happy, blessed 2006 for you all...

Yeah. After my freak-out earlier I sat down, looked at all my pregnancy books which said that if you notice a significant decrease in movement to call the doctor immediately. I cried and got Chris to freak out and google some info to see if we could find something that might say this is normal, and then...guess who decides to wake up? Yeah, him. The baby who is already driving his mommy crazy with worry. I was able to sit and watch my tummy move in some very strange directions and, though a bit uncomfortable, it was great. Geez, I am SO glad I didn't call Dr. E and disturb her Christmas Eve. I'd hate to be known around the office as the crazy pregnant woman who freaked out over nothing and ruined Christmas Eve for her doctor's family...

So, feeling better now. I drank a little bit of OJ (not too much - don't want to throw off my blood sugar) and watched him move some more, so I'm OK now. Stay tuned for the next exciting freak-out...

Until then, everyone have a very merry Christmas. I wish you all peace and hope for the coming year, and I thank God for each one of you. I don't know you in real life, but the support and comfort I feel from you all is amazing. Thank you. God bless you all.

Its been a long time since I felt it...that fear that something is wrong and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But its here now and I need to freak out a little. Normally, I feel Andrew constantly. I mean constantly...walking, sitting, cooking, cleaning...constantly. Since about 21 weeks he's been only getting stronger and stronger in his movements. Yesterday, however, I only felt him three times. Granted, we were busy traveling and seeing family and friends for Christmas stuff, but still. Last night I laid in bed and prayed to feel him kick me. I got 10 kicks in about 20 minutes, but normally I get 10 kicks in less than 5 minutes. This morning, I laid there and tried to feel him and, again, 10 kicks in about 20 minutes. I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but I'm just used to feeling him move so much more than that. I can just imagine him in there with his cord around his neck or something. God, what a nightmare.

Somebody please talk me down from the ledge. Tell me he's growing and running out of room for the acrobatics I'm so used to feeling. Tell me he's resting more because of a big growth spurt he's going through. Tell me he's OK and I'm just a freaking lunatic.

I just wish I had already been through one successful pregnancy so I could know what's normal and what's not. Hopefully THIS will be the pregnancy I can look back on to prove to myself that I can do this and next time I can breathe a little easier.

Wow, I seriously have a problem. I was so encouraged yesterday by getting the glucose monitor and seeing such good numbers...I was told that my fasting blood sugar every morning should be between 60-100, and 2 hrs after meals should be below 120. Well, after lunch it was 75, and after dinner it was 68. Great! This morning, however, my fasting blood sugar was 195!!! Holy crap! That's 75 points higher than the maximum it should be! They told me to eat two servings of carbs and one serving of fat (each serving is 15 g) at my evening snack, after doing my two-hour blood sugar check after dinner. I did that, but obviously I don't need to have carbs later in the evening. Tonight I will try a protein snack and see if that helps bring down my fasting blood sugar.

I feel really old writing about all this diabetes stuff. This is stuff I used to sit around and listen to my grandparents discuss.

Anyway, today is going to be a busy day. We're having our cheerleaders' Christmas party. Yep, me, my friend (and co-cheer coach) Tammie, and 11 teenage girls, are going to Applebee's for lunch then back to Tammie's house for a gift exchange. Should be fun, though, and very loud. I'll check in on everyone when I finally return to my nice, quiet little home.

Just got back from the diabetes clinic...I feel SO much better just for having some good information!!! I have a big fear of the unknown, so just having a pamphlet or two helps a lot! The nurse (Mary Lynn) was great and gave me a monitor to check my blood sugar four times a day, and lots of sample test strips and lancets until my OB can call in a prescription for more. They also gave me a MUCH better diet plan and guidelines for meals and snacks. I really can eat a lot more than I thought I could. I was surprised at some of the things on the list. I guess my biggest problem will be portion control, but that's always been my problem. They let me watch a video that summarized what the nurse had told me and answered even more questions. Overall, it was a very helpful visit, and I'm wondering if I even need to see that endocrinologist after all! I don't know what else they could tell me...I guess we'll see. I go back to my OB on the 4th, and back to the diabetes clinic on the 9th, so I will ask then if I can cancel the other appt and just meet with Mary Lynn instead.

In other news...I have a bad head cold that is completely kicking my butt. I can take Tylenol Cold & Sinus, though, so that helps. I am loving Christmas break because I can take naps when I want and not worry too much about disturbing my nighttime sleep schedule. (During school, I don't take naps because then I end up staying up way late and being SO tired the next day. It really messes me up.) Chris' temporary job has ended so he is home now, which is actually kind of nice. I mean, we need the income of course, but I am really enjoying his company. He really is my best friend. My mom and stepdad are coming to visit us on Christmas Day, and will likely stay until Wed. the 28th. Should be fun, as long as she doesn't nag too much. Oh, and remember the church in McDonough we were wanting to help re-start? Well, they have invited Chris to come preach on the 1st (yes, New Years' Day) and do a more formal interview afterwards, so we're really excited. If we are invited to take this ministry position, we'll be moving away from this podunk town in either late spring or early summer! Lots of changes are coming our way, but that's how its always been, so its normal for us. Yep, life is good!

Wow. Get this. Since my first OB appt (7w pregnant) I have only gained a total of ONE POUND. I started out losing weight because I was so sick, then I gained a little, but now I my weight is back down for a total weight gain of 1 lb (probably because of all the dietary changes I've had to make in the past month). I asked if that was OK, and the doctor said YES. He (not my usual OB - my main doc is a woman) said that, if the baby was measuring small he'd be concerned but I'm measuring right on time and Andrew has a strong heartbeat so he's not concerned at all. Anyway, I thought that was quite interesting and shocking, especially considering how big I feel! I can see Andrew move through my shirt and, while it freaked me out at first, I'm fascinated now. Last night I sat in the tub and watched him roll around and kick and poke. That was weird...but very cool. :) I go back to the OB every two weeks now until 36 weeks, when I'll start going every week. At my next appt they will have my letter requesting maternity leave so I can get that all set up with the school system! I can't believe it! The end is in sight!!!

Oh, one more thing...I am being sent to the diabetes/nutrition center on Wed. at 2:30 since the endocrinologist can't see me until Jan. 16! When I told him about having to take such a late appt he immediately said he'd send me to the nutritionist. I love my doctors! I'm so anxious but excited to actually get some information about what to do/what not to do. For now, though, they've given me a huge packet on what to eat and how many servings, etc. Very helpful. I'm feeling much better about everything. :)

Well, we're off to visit Chris' folks in Alabama. I'm armed with my meds in case I eat something I *think* might be OK but isn't. I do NOT want to have a gallbladder attack away from home. Anyway, it should be a fun, quick visit (we'll be back tomorrow night) but I'm sure there will be some drama somewhere...Christmas with the in-laws is always exciting! :)

Thanks for all the amazing support, girls! I am definitely going to check out amazon.com and see about some books just for more info, and I'm calling my OB in the morning to see if they can help me out. I'm guessing they'll tell me we can discuss things in great detail when I come in on Mon. morning, but at least by calling I'd be DOING something. I hate just waiting. And believe me, I will raise a big stink if they act like its no big deal.
For now, I'm eating a low-carb. low-sugar, low-fat diet and I guess its working. I'm following the basic guidelines of 30 g carbs for breakfast, 40 g for lunch, 40 g for dinner, and two 20 g snacks. I guess I could go buy one of those One Touch Ultra things they sell at the pharmacy to check my blood sugar, but I'm not sure how often to do it or what I'd do with whatever number it gave me...I don't know what's too high or too low, or what to do about it if it were too high or low. (I could probably find that info on the 'net somewhere...) And what if I need insulin? Sigh. I want to know what I need to do for my particular needs, not the average person's needs. And what I really want is a referral to a nutritionist so I can better balance my GD diet with my gallbladder diet.

Anyway, these are my concerns as of late. At least I feel OK...I guess that's good. Who knows. But hey, no gallbladder attacks lately, and I actually feel physically better by eating less fried stuff and less sweets. But I will never admit that to my parents, who have been bugging me to change my diet and eat healthier for YEARS. :)

Sigh. I can't get an appt with the endocrinologist (to discuss the plan for dealing with the GD) until JAN. 16!! Does anyone else think its weird that they're going to let me go four more weeks with GD doing NOTHING about it? Grrr. I am SO talking to my OB on Monday. Maybe she can pull some strings and get me in earlier...or at the minimum tell me what I can and cannot eat! Maybe check my blood sugar? Sheesh.

ANYWAY. Christmas vacation is coming and I am SO excited. Friday will be the last day for us until Jan. 9! Woohoo! Three weeks off! :) We actually have teacher work days on Jan. 5-6 but without the kids there, its basically like a vacation. This is the first year we're actually staying home and not traveling on Christmas day. Chris' job is keeping him here this year, so my mom and stepdad are coming to visit us. After the fun time I had with my dad and stepmom over Thanksgiving, I'm not sure how much I am actually looking forward to this. Oh well. This weekend we're going to see Chris' family in Alabama and do the whole Christmas thing with them. While we're there, he's marrying his cousin and her husband (again). He's an ordained minister, so he can do that. :) I think this is the third time they've gotten married...Married, divorced, married, divorced, now married again. I think that's right. It may have been just one divorce from this particular guy...the other marriage and divorce may have been a different guy. Wait, yeah, I think it was a different guy. The father of her new baby. Yeah, BIG soap opera there...long story. So, it should be a very interesting weekend. Oh, and all the wonderful food they'll have. I love good southern cooking...not that I can eat any of it. :( I hope I can find something. Probably can't even eat the veggies, though, because of all the butter that'll be on 'em. Guess I should definitely pack the Demorall. (Yes, the surgeon said I could take Demorall when I have an attack! Finally something that might actually come close to helping this pain! Yes!)

No more attacks as of today, which is good. I'm not cheating, and trying to watch my carbs and sugars (not that I know my limit for each meal or anything), and I'm drinking a gallon of water a day. (Yes, as a matter of fact I AM in the bathroom twenty times a day.) Other than my fun health issues, life is good. Feeling good, Christmas break is coming, baby kicking...yeah, life is good. :)

Well, the doc said no surgery for me! If I had come in earlier (between 80-24 weeks), they could have done it, but my uterus is too big now so I have an appointment in April (April 17, to be exact) to schedule the operation. I will eventually be able to eat good food. Just not 'til about 6 weeks after Andrew gets here. Good thing is I know for a fact that I can control it with my diet. My big mistake yesterday was eating two fried chicken tenders and about ten french fries for lunch. I had kinda thought that maybe I could splurge a little since I'd been SO good lately, but apparently you can NOT cheat. Not even a little bit...'cause sure enough, 12 hours later, I'll be paying for it in a serious way. The basic rule for me is...If it tastes good, don't eat it. Words to live by, at least for the next 12-13 weeks.

For some happier news, my blood pressure is totally normal now! I even got the "great BP!" comment again! Whew! That's a relief. Also, we went to see Chronicles of Narnia tonight. I LOVED IT. I had never read the book or seen the cartoon or anything, so I had no real expectations, and I was wowed. Chris was a little disappointed...For some reason he was thinking it would be like Lord of the Rings, which it most certainly NOT. Anyway, I loved it and definitely want to watch it again. :)

OK, I'm off to eat a sandwich and then take a bath, then I'm going to bed. Hopefully not to be awoken by such pain this time. Cross your fingers!

I guess this blog is going to become some kind of pain diary now, because now all that happens to me is gallbladder attacks and diabetes issues. I had been doing so well...no gallbladder attacks in almost three weeks. Last night, however, I awoke at about 12:30 or 12:45 am to some discomfort. I propped myself up on some pillows, went to the bathroom, etc...By 2 am it was worse, and by 3 am I was moaning in agony and puking my guts up. It finally subsided at around 4 am, after Chris had gotten up, helped me into a hot bath, thinking that might help, turning on the TV to distract me, and basically just trying to be there for me. Poor guy. He had to work early this morning, and his wife's body had to throw a fit and disrupt his sleep. I got up and went to school, but was no nauseous (threw up a couple more times at school) and SO sore from the pain that my principal told me to come home and rest before going to my appt this afternoon. So, here I am, writing in my "pain diary." I really hope this doc can suggest something for the pain. I know they probably won't or can't do surgery but I gotta have something to take the edge off this pain. I have a feeling, though, that anything that might come close to easing this pain would be way too strong to take in pregnancy.

OK, I'm off to lie down now.

Catherine had one of those quiz things on her blog again and I thought it would be fun to try. While visiting the site, I saw this quiz and just had to try it. Hilarious. (This really is one of my all-time favorite movies, by the way!)

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Christmas Story

Loving, fun, and totally crazy. Don't shoot your eye out!

Thanks, girls. Once again, you've reminded me that its OK. (And Tina, yes, you were the "one girl" I was referring to. When I heard the word "referral" I immediately thought of your post about having to go see a new doc! I'm just so glad your appt went well and it doesn't seem as bad as I'm thinking it is!!) I guess its the not knowing that is the worst part, and the internet has such scary information on it...all this stuff about stillbirth. I know that's the worst-case scenario with GD left ignored and untreated, but still...very scary. I guess, until I talk to the new doc, I can only watch my diet and do my best. I have no idea how he's going to want me to check my blood sugar, or what is an appropriate result. I hate needles, and I assume its going to involve needles. Who knows. Like I said, its the not knowing that's freaking me out a little. I just have so many questions. I hope this new doc can get me in soon!

I go to the surgeon on Monday and will know more then about the gallbladder thing. Wish me luck! Now that I'm dealing with THREE things (gallbladder issues, GD and high BP), I'm not so against immediate surgery, if it'll take care of one of those issues. Of course, only if there's absolutely no threat to Andrew.

The up side: At least I'm now 6 months along (3rd trimester! Wow!)...Only 3 months to deal with all this! :)

Yep, she said referral. I have GD. Crap! I know its not the end of the world, but it just seems like everything is hitting me all at once and I'm hormonal on top of it all...I need a good cry.

I'm all concerned about what to eat now. I googled some stuff and it looks like I'll need to do the low-carb, low-sugar diet, but most of the foods recommended are NOT recommended if you have gall stones, like I do. I have to eat low-fat, low-carb, low-sugar foods. That means...what? Lettuce? I'm lost. I tried to call the endocrinologist but their office is closed on Fridays so I have to wait until at least Monday to figure anything out. Probably later, since I'm sure I'll have to get an appt before he'll even speak to me. Sigh. If anyone has any ideas or experience, please let me know. I'm going to go lie down now.

So I come home tonight after the middle school basketball game (yes, I'm still coaching the cheerleaders...yay me!) and found a message on my machine. Its the nurse from my OB's office. She says they got my GTT results and I'm to call in the morning for the referral. REFERRAL?!?! Crap. I immediately panic, thinking that means I have GD. But, upon listening to it a second time, she may have said to call for the results. I've listened to it over and over. Chris thinks she said referral. This makes me nervous because the ONE girl on the FF March due date board who failed her 3-hr test was referred to an endocrinologist. So I'm a little stressed. Now I'll be up all night wondering if she said "results" or "referral." Crap. I seriously need to relax. I'm just so worried about Andrew being healthy and getting here safely.

I need a vacation.

Yep, still waiting for my GTT results. Sigh. I should never have believed the nurse. Oh well. To pass the time, here's another fun item from Catherine's blog. (Also seen on Kathy's blog, and she's having her baby TOMORROW! Woohoo!)

Here goes:

1. What is your favorite holiday movie? A Charlie Brown Christmas (its the only one - I think - that actually tells the story of Jesus' birth)

2. What is your favorite holiday song (title and artist)? Mary Did You Know? Its awesome. Gives me chills every time I hear it.

3. What is the best holiday gift you were ever given, and why? My engagement ring. :) I actually got it on New Year's Day, but it still counts to me.

4. Do you have a special someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Year's? Chris, and my wonderful pets :)

5. Name of your favorite reindeer? Vixen. She's such a diva!

6. Favorite Holiday food? Chocolate chip cookies :) Yummm.....

7. Snow day: cuddle by the fire, or hand me a snowball? Cuddling by the fire!!

8. What was your New Year's resolution for this year? Did you stick to it? To get pregnant and make it past the first trimester. Took us a loooong time, but we did it. 2006's resolution will be to deliver this baby and do my darndest to be a good mom to him.

9. Is there really a Santa Claus? I definitely believe in Santa! :)

10. Present, or stocking stuffer? Presents (plural)! Bring 'em on!

Now your turn. :)

Just got home from my GTT and eagerly awaiting the results. I was told by the nurse that my doc would have the results today, so I'm praying they call ASAP and let me know if I passed or failed.

In the meantime, I visited Catherine's blog and OH.MY.GOSH. This has got to be the most hilarious thing I've read in awhile. Sorry if it offends anyone.

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed (warning: slightly offensive)
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

Also, I did the whole "rate your life" thing (also from Catherine), and this is what I got. Not too bad!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.1
Mind:	6.8
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	8
Friends/Family:	7.4
Love:	9.1
Finance:	8.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Yes, I'm sure there are more constructive things to do with my time...why do you ask?

Thanks for the encouragement (AGAIN), girls! You are all so right. It doesn't matter how Andrew gets fed. He will know that we love him and care so much for him, and he'll get nurtured plenty. I just need to stop caring so much about what other people think. Easier said than done, most of the time.

Today has been a lazy day...I love lazy days. We did get out of the house to go grocery shopping, but we skipped church. It was so cold and rainy and we just wanted to snuggle and watch a movie, so we did. This weekend is a free Showtime channel weekend, so we tivo'd a bunch of movies. This morning we watched Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan. It was great!! Very funny, and it had a good message.

Not much exciting here...My dog got really excited about something this morning (probably one of my cats running through the room) and landed right above my belly. It kinda freaked me out, but I think the jolt woke Andrew up 'cause he's been kicking and flipping a lot ever since. She (Rosie, my dog) didn't land right on my belly so I don't think anything was hurt...He's surrounded by lots of amniotic fluid in there, right? Sure, he's fine. Feeling movement is SO comforting. I don't have nearly as many freak-out moments as I used to, which is a good thing.

I'm going for my 3-hr glucose test on Tuesday...I couldn't get a sub for Monday (apparently there are a lot of teachers planning to be out Monday), so I had to go for Tuesday. Wish me luck...I really want something GOOD to happen.

I just noticed that, as of today, I'm now in double-digits on the countdown ticker. Only 99 days to go 'til my due date! EEK! :) That kinda freaks me out, but mostly makes me really excited. I was just telling a co-worker today that I'm sure Chris and I will make plenty of mistakes being first-time parents and totally new at all this, but I just hope Andrew knows how much we love him and prayed for him (and what we went through to get him!)...and I hope he never ends up in therapy because of me. :) I'm so in love with him already.

OK, enough gushing about the baby.

I've been reading a few blogs by some very new mommies and a lot of posts on FF, and its got me thinking. Am I less of a woman because I can't breastfeed?

Here's the story. I had a breast reduction when I was a senior in college. It was completely covered by insurance because I had some major back and shoulder problems developing due to the fact that I was a DD (and only 4'10" tall). Now I am a MUCH more comfortable B cup and a much happier person in general. Before, I was very self-conscious. Guys always made comments about my chest and I felt like that was my only endearing quality and the only reason anyone would date me. After the surgery, I dropped 20 lbs (because I could then comfortably work out and did so!) and my self-esteem rocketed! I was more confident in who I was, and that showed. I met Chris about 6 months after the surgery, and we all know what happened with that. I truly feel like Chris would never have looked twice at me had he known the shy, insecure, self-loathing girl I was before the surgery. Being a "breast man," Chris jokes about how this is God's cruel joke on him, but I know he's just glad that I'm healthy and happy and he wouldn't have me made any other way. :)

ANYWAY.

Reading the posts on FF and seeing all those breastfeeding blinkies about how its so much better for the baby, it almost comes across as arrogant and self-righteous. As if you're not a good mom if you don't breastfeed. But I can't. Its in no way possible due to the extreme amount of reconstruction done on my breasts. I knew about the risk of not being able to breastfeed, and I made my choice. I'm totally OK with it. I just think sometimes that, if I share the fact that I plan to formula feed exclusively, I'll be looked down upon. Reading Galloping Cats and Sweet Coalminer's blogs, I'm a bit relieved that I won't have to deal with some of it...It appears its not all its cracked up to be at times. But I still wonder.

Anyway, maybe I'm just being emotional and ridiculous, but sometimes I wish I could try to breastfeed. But deep down, I know it won't happen. My breasts have not grown AT ALL this whole pregnancy. Other women are talking about leaking breasts and how huge they've gotten. That tends to make me think there's no chance. Chris is so good about it. He says he's glad he can share more equally in the feeding duties, and my brother-in-law talks about how he had some jealousy over his wife's deep bonding with his son because of the breastfeeding issue...so I know its not all bad. There's definitely a good side, and I'm happy about that. I guess I just feel like I should explain myself when it comes to this issue. Like I have to have some really good excuse for not breastfeeding. Wish I knew why that was. But like I said earlier, its probably just the hormones making me emotional about stupid stuff. :)

About This Blog

This is me, sharing my journey through struggling to conceive, surviving miscarriage, and, finally, receiving the greatest blessing ever...the gift of a healthy, beautiful little boy.

Blogs I Love To Read

• Aurelia Ann
• Bark Like a Dog - Milo (Justin & Lauralu's babe)
• Beyond the Pale
• Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog
• Everything Is Under Control
• Galloping Cats
• House of Miao
• Irvin World (our family blog)
• Kathy McC
• Mad Mommy
• No, I Will Never Be "Over" It
• Sweet Coalminer
• Taking Up My Cross
• The Barefoot Mama
• Three-Girls-O-Rama
• Vegas Mommy
• When Eggs Go Bad

• moving
• guilt and bad mommy thoughts
• update on us
• She is here!!!
• 5 days
• still here...
• Full Term!
• Deep thoughts
• Two years old!
• overdue update

• April 2005
• May 2005
• June 2005
• July 2005
• August 2005
• September 2005
• October 2005
• November 2005
• December 2005
• January 2006
• February 2006
• March 2006
• April 2006
• May 2006
• June 2006
• July 2006
• August 2006
• September 2006
• October 2006
• November 2006
• December 2006
• January 2007
• February 2007
• March 2007
• April 2007
• June 2007
• July 2007
• August 2007
• September 2007
• October 2007
• November 2007
• December 2007
• January 2008
• February 2008
• May 2008
• June 2008
• July 2008
• August 2008
• September 2008

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